Happy Birthday, Craig!

I'm feeling sorrow today as I remember my youngest son, Craig, on what would be his 29th birthday. For those of you who don't know, Craig died of a blood infection following intense chemotherapy for acute lymphatic leukemia. He died at age 10 years, 8 months and 4 days. I feel that It's truly appropriate that I offer a special gift to you today to honor his memory….a small peek into the life of a bereaved parent.

First, let me just exclaim vehemently to the Universe how much I despise the unfairness of life that would audaciously require a parent to outlive that of their beautiful, precious child. I simply can't imagine a loss that cuts more deeply or annihilates the heart more profoundly than this. It would be difficult for anyone who hasn't experienced this brand of grief to fathom the totality of devastation that affects every facet of life for the family. The grief work that we are violently propelled into is completely overwhelming at times. And even though we are taught by society that time heals, I'm here to tell you that it does not. We have to learn by trial and error how to travel our grief journeys, embrace the pain and then hopefully recover enough to honor our child's life by choosing to live on and to even go so far as to do something positive with the pain.

If you wonder what you could say or do to help a grieving person, please don't ever give advice or tell them their child (or other loved one) is in a better place, with god. etc. This is intellectual crap that does nothing to comfort. Please don't do what a coworker did to me a couple years ago when I expressed to her that I needed to be off work on the anniversary of Craig's death because every year it is a difficult time for me. She said to me, "Don't you think it's time for you to get over it?" We don't ever get "over it". We just do the best we can to get "through it." There's a big difference.

Grief is an emotion. We all grieve our losses, no matter what they are. The best thing in the world we can do to support each other is to just listen to the griever. Tell them you are sorry for their loss and that you can't imagine what it's been like for them. Rest assured that most grievers, especially parents, love to talk about their child. It keeps their memories alive. I always feel honored when someone wants to "get to know" Craig through my stories of him.

Thank you for reading all of this. I hope it has helped to bring you a bit of insight today, as I honor, love and cherish my son, Craig Schermerhorn.