A Lifetime Of Loss

We have all experienced loss in one form of another, and it is a painful journey that takes a lifetime to learn to live life with.  There is hope always remember that in your darkest hours there is always hope.   I experienced my first loss at the age of 9 when my mother passed away.  I always thought that was the worst thing that could happen.  I can remember many times cleaning my house as an adult and still the tears would fall like rain because I missed my mom so much.  I always thought nothing worse could happen to me that growing up without my mom meant that I already had experienced the worst.  Until 2007 when it happened to my family and the shock is so overwhelming.

When my 4 year old daughter Mary was playing one minute and the next she lie unconscious and blue, she got a sudden spike in temperature and had a febrile seizure.  She was taken to the Hospital where they said “she would be okay” but she needed to be moved.  During the ride in the ambulance she had 4 more seizures and was put on life support.  The next day they told us they were going to unplug her that she was gone, they laid her in my arms unhooked the machine and she was gone.

Why? How can this be? She was healthy happy loving child.  The sad reality is I will never know why this happened to my family.  Why this happened to my daughter I just know it did.  And it has left a path of pain and change unlike anything I could have ever imagined.  We don’t only lose our children for many of us like myself we lose our home, cars, job, our life as we knew it gone in the blink of an eye.  Yet, nothing matters we only want our loved one back.  But there is no coming back not after death we have to learn to live again.  This is our new life suddenly we are thrown into an unknown abyss.  Relearning to live again one step at a time, but somehow we do, we have strength inside us that we never knew we had. 

Just 4 months after my daughter Mary died my father passed away.  I was just in the depths of grief over Mary and suddenly my father dies.  It has a profound life altering effect on the very essence of who we are.  Yet minute by minute and day by day through our struggles we somehow learn to cope.   I still struggle with the sadness and tears quite often.  Yet I hold onto the knowledge that I will see my daughter again one day.  I want to tell you how I know this:

Prior to Mary dying she was seeing Angels everywhere around our home.  She often asked us if we saw them which, we did not.  She told us she saw her Grandpa and that he was holding her hand, and how much he loved us she was just so content and happy to see him.  The trouble is Grandpa died over a year prior to my daughter seeing him.  In reflection since her death I know I will see her again just as she saw all the Angels and her Grandpa.   What a gift she gave us and we didn’t have a clue at the time what was to come, or even what it meant.

For being just a 4 year old little girl she taught me more about life and love than anyone ever will.  I know Mary is here I can’t see her, hear her sweet voice.  But her sweet spirit resides within my heart and she is always with me.  I know all seems lost for so long after loss, but there is life, hope, and love right in front of us we just have to look for it.  It never really leaves us, that circle of love is something that exists even after death.  It is my sincere hope that through writing, poetry, art, whatever avenue that helps you get through each day.  It doesn’t matter what it is, all that matters is that we each do what we have to do to get through each day.  Always, one day at a time with the knowledge that we will see our loved ones again one day.