Moving on does NOT mean forgetting

Kimberly has been gone for seven years. This year seems to be more difficult than the last few. I didn’t know how to put into words why or how it was so much more difficult. I kept thinking the reason it was so hard was that it seemed as if my family has forgotten Kimberly. I now realize that was only a small part of the problem. The real problem was I felt I was moving on which equaled forgetting Kimberly. This is not the case, I am happy and I am living, but I will NEVER forget my beautiful daughter Kimberly or move on without her. This came to me on Kimberly’s Angel date, while I was at her gravesite talking with her as I do each year on her Angel date.

Our lives are nothing like we envisioned they would be. We never looked at the future and saw us living without our child.

After losing Kimberly, I had to learn to live again. For me, this means:

1. I had to accept that I am not the person I was the day I lost Kimberly nor would I ever be again.

2. I had to learn to like the new me.

3. I had to understand that it was okay to cry and also okay to laugh.

4. I had to accept that I deserve to be happy, just as Kimberly would want me to be.

5. Just because my family doesn’t talk about Kimberly to me does not mean that they have forgotten her. She lives on in their memory as well.

6. The most important thing I learned this year was that by being happy and living my life, Kimberly lives on inside of me.

Five and a half years ago I asked a friend who was about five years into her journey if it got better. The answer she gave me has stayed with me and is the most truthful thing anyone has ever told me. She said NO, it does not get better it gets different. After seven years things are different, there are still times when the pain is so fresh that it takes my breath away. I seem to have bad times not bad days but a day does not go by that I don’t long to have Kimberly with me.

We will never forget the child that we lost. Because you learn to live again doesn’t erase your child from your heart or your mind. Our child will continue to be a part of our lives and our memories as long as we live.

I felt a tremendous weight lift off my shoulders as I talked this out with Kimberly. I explained to her that I love her as much today as the day she was born and the day that she died. I explained to her that I am living and because I am living her memory lives on.

The wonderful thing about Compassionate Friends is that we are all traveling a similar road. I hope that writing about this part of my journey will help someone else on their journey.