My Fathers Grief

I wish I could say "I knew my father" I did not but I did know his pain, I knew that pain all too well.  It took over his life ran his world, you see my mom died when I was 9 years old leaving behind a husband and 4 children 11,9,7 and 2.  When mom died in essense dad died also.  At least the part of him that was rationale and tender,loving.  He never spoke of my mother again nope not once she was just gone from our lives forever.  And dad his life after that was full of fear and anger and harshness.  By all outward appearances it seemed as if he didn't care about anything,it was as if we lost our mother and our father. In may ways we did lose both of them.

Many years later I discovered he cared a great deal but he didn't know how to handle all the pain losing his wife caused him.  In his mind he thought he was protecting us.  But you see he wasn't protecting us we didn't forget mom died, we didn't pretend she didn't exist.  In fact on the inside it was hurting all of us in more ways than I can relate to you and this has had a lasting affect on our lives. I do not even to this day know what cemetery she is in.  I know she was cremated and is in a unmarked box somewhere.  But where that remains a mystery. For the better part of 36 years he held his pain inside.  He was just angry on the outside so much that many times it was hard to be around him.  He had basically emotionally alienated himself from the very people he truly loved, he just never could show any positive emotion. He didn't know how! I can honestly say I never heard "I love you" from my father until his last years on this earth.  But never prior to that when I needed it so, those formative years were so lonely and hard.  Feeling like no one loved me like a lost soul floating through this place we call life.  I wanted to be loved and yet never felt as is I ever was. I must be one of those people who wears their heart on there sleeve, because when I was in my 20's someone told me that "they were concerned about me, they don't believe I ever felt loved as a child".  How can one tell this?  I do not know but I know some people have this gift of seeing through to our soul.

Then came that awful day that I made that phone call telling him that my young daughter was on life support.  And I heard dad fall apart on the phone, it awakened his emotions all those ones he hid for close to 40 years.  This was the phone call that unraveled all those feelings he held inside for so long, the anger, the part of his heart that died.  It never really died in fact it was very much alive, but broken for so many years. And in so many ways its heartbreking. My dad and step mother lived in another state and they came down as soon as possible which, was not soon enough as my precious child Mary had died.

My dad found a broken child which brought all those feelings back just like it was when I lost my mother, only I was worse and older.  I was much worse now this was my child.  I learned so much through dads tears in those days leading up to my daughter Marys funeral and after.  I learned dad was trying to protect us, which came across as abuse.  Dad loved us but he didn't know how to show it he was so afraid we would die and that he wouldn't be able to handle.  He finally realized that he had stopped himself from finding any love and joy in his life.  And he realized the impact it had on me and his other children and was so sorry.  But the damage was done and while it was nice to see my dad get in touch with those feelings that he held in for so long.  Finally he might fiind joy, love, happiness again but he went home and had a stroke and died 4 months later.

I know often times men keep their emotions in for many reasons.  They do not want to cause emotional pain to their families, it is their way to protect those they love.  But in truth it is hurting their relationship and themselves.  When we lose someone we love, we don't forget them they are very much on our minds and in our hearts.  It's when we try to hold those feelings in or run from them that they take over and impact our families in such a negative way.  Those feelings will come out eventually one way or another.  Talking about them with those you love will build and strengthen a relationship and really isn't that what life is about?  All that truly matters in this world is the love we share with each other and the relationships we have with others.  The cost to a family after the death of a loved one is so difficult and such a long hard journey.  And we each handle it differently, its so devastating when it destroys the relationships with those we have left.  Sometimes when we think we are protecting those we love, in reality we are hurting them more.  Communication if such an important part of healing and listening really listening to what each person is speaking, I believe is the most important way to communicate effectively and begin to heal as a family unit and it strengthens the bond so much when we know we are heard, love unconditionally, and allowed to express our own feelings our own truth.