One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

Grief is an up-and-down, seemingly unpredicatable process. We think we're making "progress" and then feel slammed back into the loss all over again. One step forward...two steps back...

From the Grieving Heart:

I thought I was a little better, but I guess not. 

I was doing fine, having a good day, until I heard that song. It took me right back. Thoughts of you came flooding in. I was a basket case in a nanosecond. 

I never know what's going to happen next. The grief is always there, slowly building up inside me. It grows until my system is full, and then along comes a person, place, aroma, word, or song that reminds me of you. A switch gets flipped. A hatch pops open, and all the pressurized emotion comes bursting out. I have no control over when, where, or how. 

This is frustrating and embarrassing. I take one step forward, and then two steps back. The grief seems to be getting deeper. The more I grieve, the more the grief inside me seems to grow. 

It all seems so backward. How do I know if I'm making progress? Is progress what I should even be thinking about? What does “good” grieving look like?

I find one answer, then generate two more questions. Is grief some never-ending cycle? Is there a way out of this?

I don't want to leave you behind. I can't go on without you - at least, I don't want to.

There must be another way.

Grief refuses to be boxed

Grief is a dynamic process. It’s always moving. It’s highly individual, defies prediction, and refuses to be boxed in. It’s all a bit mysterious. It’s a matter of the heart. 

After a loss, each day is a journey through a virtual minefield. We never know where the next grief burst is hiding. Anything can trigger it. The heart is looking for ways to express itself and to declare its love. We bump into unseen memories suddenly and without warning. Reminders of our loved one are everywhere. 

The heart is trying to find a way to live with the absence of this special person we've lost. We’re thinking of and looking for them, even when we're not aware of it. Loss has invaded our lives and is demanding our attention. 

One day we feel we're doing well. The next day might not be so smooth. One moment might be great, and the next we might be showering the sidewalk with tears. One minute, we're fine, and the next we're struggling to keep intense emotions in check. 

Welcome to the grief roller coaster. It’s full of ups, downs, and sudden twists. It yanks and jerks us here and there, leaving us gasping for breath. It’s never smooth for long. And it's not over in 90 seconds either. It goes on, and on, and on. 

This is not a roller coaster we chose to get on. We simply woke up one day and discovered we were passengers. What's important now is making sure our seat belts are fastened, keeping our arms and legs in the car, and riding this whirling, curling monster as well as possible. 

It's hard to measure our own progress on this grief journey grief. There will be ups and downs, and some will be breathtaking. Some turns we will see coming, while others will take us completely by surprise. We simply grieve as best we can from moment to moment. We take life as it comes, one step at a time. 

When the grief surges up and spews out, so be it. Every grief burst honors those we’ve lost and declares our love for them. 

Affirmation:

I'll ride this grief roller-coaster as best I can, one moment at a time.

 Adapted from the newly released book, Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement for Times of Loss.