I struggle with whether or not I was a good enough wife, friend, lover, companion or caregiver. I never asked my husband and he never made me feel like I wasn't. Since I was not home with him when the Big Man upstairs came to bring him home to Heaven, I never got to say goodbye. This haunts me. I wonder if he was scared. Did he suffer? Did he know? What was the last thing he thought of? Did he smile when he saw God?
I have begged, pleaded, bargained and offered to be the best damn spokeswoman for Heaven, if I could have just one more minute. I know exactly what I would do with every nano second of that time. 60 seconds. Try looking in the bathroom mirror and talking for one minute straight. The average person only gets to 47 seconds before they run out of things to say. I dream about this minute. I imagine it. I know what I would do. I would make it the best 60 seconds of my life. 1...2...3...4...5...I just want to be able to look into my husband's eyes one more time. I want to gaze into his soul. Those beautiful, puppy dog, chestnut brown eyes. The eyes that could melt a glacier, the eyes that captured my heart in 1980.
One more minute.6....7....8....9...10 I would stroke his face with the back of my hand like I did to calm him when he was in pain. One more minute to look at the handsome face of my first, last and everything11...12....13..... I would run my fingers through his hair. I would hug him harder than I ever had before, knowing this would be the last time. One more minute. 28....29........30.....We wouldn't even need to speak. To see him smile, watch him look at me. One more minute.
I would press my cheek to his, close my eyes and imagine us dancing. 31....32......33.......34
35...36...37.. The day he first said I Love You. 38....39....40.....I do and still do. 41....42....43....44....tears because a minute is almost up. 45....46....47.. he holds me close and when our eyes meet again I see everything he is trying to tell me. Don't be sad, I will miss you more than you can imagine. 48... 49.... 50... Oh, God, please stay!! Don't go Pete. . 51... 52....53....54....55... I see the pain in his eyes and whisper "I will be fine. I love you too much to ask you to stay. Be with me every day and let me know you are there."
56...57...58...59... He would gently kiss me and hold me for the last time. His fingers trace my face as I close my eyes and silently beg for him to stay. When I open my eyes he would disappear from my sight leaving the impression of ever after and forever love on my heart.
About the Author
Stephanie is originally from Long Island, NY. At age 15 she met her soulmate Pete. After several years as a couple, God had other plans and the two parted ways. Both went on to have other relationships and children. 20 years later Pete took a chance and called Stephanie's parents home. The two got back together and married in 2005. Stephanie experienced the sudden death of her father in 2005. Stephanie was with her Mom when she was called to heaven in 2010. Pete who had Multiple Sclerosis required more and more care. Hospice eventually was brought into their home. Pete grew weaker and weaker. Stephanie, her son and Pete's family tried to make him as comfortable as possible. Stephanie and Pete both believed it was destiny that brought them back together and there was a reason for it. In 2012 Stephanie's sister passed suddenly. 5 months later, Pete was taken home to Heaven. Stephanie has a unique, honest and raw relationship with grief. Her writings make you feel the emotions she describes. Her works have brought tears and belly laughs to some readers. Stephanie treks her journey up "Grief Mountian" with memories, insights and words of hope. Her Facebook page is Grief 4 Dummies.