RELEASING THE PAIN, BIT-BY-BIT

Wayne lived out in the country. Walking into his house was like entering a cave. The curtains were closed, the lights off.

Wayne sat in his recliner, staring at the wall. Neither of us said anything for several minutes.

Finally, Wayne began to shake. His face contorted as if in pain. His eyes were red from lack of sleep.

“I miss her so much,” he stammered.

Mary, Wayne’s wife of 45 years, passed of a sudden illness a few weeks prior. It hit him like a lightning bolt. He felt lost.

Wayne and I took a walk. The sun was shining, birds were singing, and the fragrance of flowers was everywhere. He talked about his childhood. He reminisced about Mary and their courtship.

He smiled, laughed, and cried. He sat on a bench and looked up at the tree above his head, commenting on the new growth on the branches. Before long he was out cold, and snoring.

Loss can be swift and devastating, like a chasm opening beneath our feet with no warning. There is no way or time to prepare. Lives can change forever in an instant.

And even if we have time and know that death is coming, no one is really ready for it. Not really.

All Wayne did that day was talk. Talking is huge. It’s one major way we process what’s happened. And it’s a remarkably effective way to release our pain, bit-by-bit, word-by-word, sentence-by-sentence.

We might feel we’re saying the same thing over and over. We wonder if others are getting tired of listening to us blabber on about him or her. Yet we feel like we’ll never get it all out. That’s okay.

We must keep talking. To do that, we need to find people who will listen.

We need safe people. These folks meet us where we are and walk with us in our stuff. They have no agenda except to love us and be with us in our pain. They don’t try to fix, make us feel better, or make it about themselves and their losses.

We need more than one person to talk to. Actually, we need a team of people, and most likely a variety. It could be a friend, a pastor, a counselor, a family member, or perhaps a support group. It’s healthy to seek out several people to share freely with, and give multiple folks opportunity to love us through this.

Some of us worry about being a burden to those around us. Yet we need to give others a chance to love and serve us. This helps them grieve and heal too. 

As we talk, and as our hearts feel heard, the pain will be released, a little at a time. The scars may remain, but the intensity of the anguish will diminish. Grieving is a part of living, and we need each other to do that well.

Here’s to deeper sharing, and better listening…