Tips For Helping A Grieving Parent

Recently my Mom received a phone call from a long distance relative telling her to get over "it."  "It" being my Dad's death.  Even better this vexatious phone call was on the eight month anniversary of my Dad's death.  

Timing is everything in life people.  And this was not good timing, but then again WHEN is it good timing to tell a newly grieving widow to "get over it?"  

Probably never is my guess.

Luckily my Mom has a good sense of humor so we laughed and then became envious of this person's ignorance.  Ignorance truly is bliss.  In the seven long years my father was sick this person did not visit once, yet eight months after his passing his widow needs to get over "it."  

Consoling someone whose spouse has recently died is difficult.  Consoling your surviving parent while you are also dealing with your own loss is challenging. Consoling your surviving parent in a world filled with ignorance truly is painful.

There is a new void in the family and you cannot fix it, regardless how hard you try.  I'm not sure what is worse for me, mourning the loss of my Dad, my real life super hero and biggest fan in life or watching my mother mourn the loss of her soul mate, the love of her life.  There is no magic pill for grief, but there are things that we can do to help our surviving parents as they learn how to live in their newly widowed world.

Try to be understanding and patient. You can help your surviving parent by:

• Keep the memories alive by listening and encouraging him/her to talk about your deceased parent
• Patiently allowing him/her to express his grief
• Just being there and reminding them how much you love them

Grief is exhausting; a grieving person cannot function at 100 percent.  The initial months after death are not a time for your surviving parent to start new projects, make major decisions or spend significant amounts of money.

Signs of grief include:

• Forgetfulness - Your usually organized parent may miss appointments, overlook certain events or lose track of time. 
• Disorganization - Your surviving parent may find that it takes longer to finish everyday tasks. Time management is difficult when grieving; you leave one project unfinished and move on to something else. Spend time together. 
• Failure to concentrate - During the early stages of bereavement, the mind wanders and is scattered. Your newly widowed parent may find it impossible to stay focused, and appear lost. It may be difficult for them to read the newspaper, watch TV, or even carry your normal every day telephone conversation. They are learning how to live without a person of significance in their life, be kind, be patient and be loving. Your surviving parent needs you now more than ever.

In time the grief will evolve. It will never go away, but it will become less gut crushing and intense.

Always be patient and kind your parents, they held you hand your entire life. Now it's your time to hold theirs as they navigate their way through the ebb and flow of their grief.