Tweaking Old Traditions for Your New Life

Eight years have passed since our daughter (mother of our twin grandchildren), father-in-law, my brother, and our twin grandchildren’s father died. Time has eased the pain of losing four family members within nine months. Still, the emotional pain is there, smoldering and waiting to burst into flame. The pain of multiple losses will always be with me, but I have learned to live with this pain.

It has been a challenging journey and I plan for anniversary reactions. My plan may include donating to the local food bank in memory of a loved one, giving away some of the grief healing books I’ve written, or a special activity. I have also learned that it is important to create new traditions to lift me up and help me appreciate the new life I’m living.

When our daughter and her husband divorced, she asked if she and the twins could come for dinner on Sunday evenings. Although we didn’t know it at the time, these times together became a family tradition. Our daughter appreciated the dinners because she didn’t have to fix meals.  Our grandchildren appreciated the dinners because they got to know their grandparents. One Sunday, as she was backing out of the driveway, our daughter paused, opened the car window, and said, “I just made out a will. You and Dad are listed as guardians. Is this okay with you?”

“Sure,” we answered, never dreaming that we would actually become our grandchildren’s guardians.

After their parents were killed in separate car crashes, the county court appointed us as our grandchildren’s guardians and financial conservators. The twins were 15 ½ years old when they moved in with us and lived with us for seven years. They graduated from college with highest honors and both have jobs they enjoy. Interestingly, the twins asked us if we could continue the Sunday dinner tradition.

My husband and I were touched by their request. Every other Sunday the twins come for dinner. On alternate Sundays our granddaughter and her husband go to his parent’s home. Just as we did years ago, we share news at the dinner table, tell family stories, and mull over plans for the future. Because my husband is disabled and can’t do the household chores he used to do, the twins do these things for us. They fix things, or move furniture that needs to be moved, or solve computer problems.  The twins have become my on-call computer technicians.

 Therese A. Rando, Ph.D, author of How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies, offers suggestions for resolving grief. Creating personal bereavement rituals is one of her suggestions. According to Rando, the basic purpose of a ritual is to help us process grief and overcome obstacles. “Your ritual need not be overly dramatic to be useful,” she explains. Sunday dinners together are not overly dramatic, but they have been useful to our family. This new variation of an old tradition continues to bind our family together. We’re so glad our adult grandchildren enjoy our company and participating in our lives.

You may be able to retain old traditions and “tweak” them for the life you are living now. Family traditions may help you remember your loved one and keep her or him close to your heart.