What To Do When Grief Feels Like Fear

Stephanie had just lost her husband to cancer. The first few days after his passing had been a whirlwind, as she attempted to get everything arranged for Steve’s memorial service. On top of that, she had four kids to tend to through this tumultuous time.

The family visitation at the funeral home was packed. When the crowd dwindled, I went up to Stephanie, looked her in the eye and asked, “How are you?”

Stephanie’s eyes welled with tears, and she bit her lip. “I’m so afraid,” she whispered, leaning forward. “What’s going to happen now? What am I going to do?”

Like Stephanie, many of us in grief look fine, but inside we’re terrified. It seems like everything has changed.

“No Fear” and “Fearless” have become common sayings trademarks. No wonder. We struggle with being afraid, often without realizing it. Fear is sneaky, and often masks itself as anxiety, anger, depression, people-pleasing, or addiction. Fear is at the root of a lot of things we would gladly be rid of.

Fear is often a part of grief.  

What can you do about it? Here are some things I’ve found helpful:

1.  Quit trying to not be afraid. 

You will get scared. Terror will come. You will not be able to stop it from knocking on your door. That’s okay.  

2.  Decide beforehand what you’ll do when fear shows up.

If you can't stop fear from coming, then the question becomes what will you do when it arrives? Relax and breathe deeply. Call a friend. Write it out. Exercise. There are a number of options. Make a plan, and be flexible with it.

3.  Recognize the fear and acknowledge it 

Try to recognize when you’re afraid and be honest about it. "I'm scared." "I feel afraid." "I'm terrified." Say it out loud. When you unmask the fear, you begin to break its power.

4.  See the fear as an object in your hands

Fear wants to seize and overwhelm your heart. Take a deep breath and picture squishing the fear down into something you can hold in your hand. See it as much smaller than yourself, because it is.

5.  Choose what to do with the fear

Look at that fear in your hand. You get to choose what to do with it. You can toss it in the trashcan, or throw it against the wall. You can place in God’s hands, or simply set it down and walk away. Your choice.

Fear will come. Rather than letting it hijack us and take over, we can actually use it to help us heal.

You are more courageous than you know. You have endured so much already. Breathe deeply, and let the fear pass on through.