When Holidays Hurt

Holidays can be naturally hard. When you’ve lost someone, special days can seem impossible.

“I’m scared. It’s like I’m frozen and can’t move. How am I going to face our anniversary without him?” said Tina, whose husband Frank died.

“When I look ahead to Father’s Day, all I can think about is him,” said Jeff, who lost his father.

“How do you do birthdays when you’ve lost a child? I’m a puddle of tears every time I think about it,” said Courtney, whose son Trent was killed in an accident.

Not to mention Thanksgiving and Christmas. Ugh.

 

Loss alters holidays forever

Death changes holidays. They’re different because your life has been altered forever. Someone very special to you is missing.

No matter what the holiday, you have powerful memories your loved one associated with it. These wonderful (or sometimes painful) experiences of the past can be triggered in an instant. Reminders are everywhere.

Memories flood in. Everywhere you look you see your loved one. You could swear you hear their voice. Perhaps you can almost feel their touch. Then reality crushes in upon you. They’re gone.

Yes, holidays will be different now.


We wonder about ourselves

You may feel like a mess. That’s not surprising. Your life has turned topsy-turvy. Grief is messy. Holidays are messy.

Maybe you’re more easily irritated. Anger is a part of loss. How could you not be upset?

Perhaps you’re sad or even depressed at times. That’s natural. Are you supposed to be happy and thrilled right now?

You wonder if you’re going crazy. No, you’re just in a crazy situation right now. It feels like your soul has been ripped apart. Everything has changed. 

You wish you weren’t exhausted all the time. Grief exacts a heavy toll on your resources. It’s mentally, emotionally, and physically draining.

You wish you could be stronger, but real strength lies in being real with your own heart. You’re stronger than you know.

You’re forgetting things right and left. Yep, that’s part of grieving too.


How do you do this?

So what can you do?

  • Be kind to yourself. Give yourself more wiggle-room.
  • Don’t expect as much from yourself (or others, for that matter).
  • Work on accepting where you are right now. You don’t have to like it. In fact, you may hate it. That’s okay.
  • Develop a plan for the dqay or season. This takes some doing - and is a subject for another article...

This time is not business-as-usual. Far from it. This is new, uncharted territory. Even if you’ve had other losses, this loss is different. Every loss is unique.

This holiday will be different.

Adapted from Surviving the Holidays Without You: Navigating Grief During Special Seasons. (avaiable here on the Grief Toolbox)

Watch the Surviving the Holidays Without You video here. 

About the Author

Gary Roe is an author, speaker, and chaplain with Hospice Brazos Valley. He is the author of the award-winning bestsellers Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child, Please Be Patient, I'm Grieving, HEARTBROKEN: Healing from the Loss of a Spouse, and Surviving the Holidays without You and the co-author (with New York Times Bestseller Cecil Murphey) of Saying Goodbye: Facing the Loss of a Loved One. Visit him at www.garyroe.com.

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