Your Personal Path to Happiness

Happiness was a distant, unreachable goal in 2007 after four family members died. These losses—my daughter (mother of my twin grandchildren), father-in-law, brother, and the twin’s father—devastated me. Life had never seemed so bleak. I wondered if I had the strength to endure such tragedy. Doubt didn’t stop me from learning about grief, using this information, and doing my grief work.    

Still, a question haunted me: Would I ever be happy again? You may have wondered this too.

For some, the yearning for happiness is so great that they miss happiness clues. As a bereaved parent, daughter, daughter-in-law, and niece, I can assure you that happiness is possible. The only person in charge of your happiness is you. It’s up to you to create your own healing path.    These are the steps I took. 

Track your progress. This idea comes from Dr. Gloria Horsley, founder and president of Open to Hope. I met Gloria at The Compassionate Friends national conference in Bloomington, Minnesota, where I signed copies of my latest grief book. A woman came up to me and asked, in an angry voice, “How do you know you’re happy?” I answered as best I could and shared this story with Gloria. “Compare your life today to the day your daughter died,” she answered.

Let yourself laugh. I didn’t laugh for a year after my loved ones died. One day, quite by surprise, I had belly laugh, and still remember how good it felt. The belly laugh was a release valve and generated more laughter. Dr. Amit Sood, author of The Mayo Clinic Guide to Stress Free Living, says “Laughter nourishes your mind just as breath nourishes your body.” His advice: “Laugh loud, laugh hard and laugh some more.”  

Set new goals. Although you may not realize it now, you have the power to change your life. In his book, Time Remembered, grief expert Earl Grollman writes, “You were strong to hold on. You will be stronger to go forward to new beginnings.” Right now your goal may be to make it to the next hour, and that’s o.k. One goal leads to another. The goal-setting process brings you closer to the happiness you seek.

Start to tell your story. The ability to tell your story without sobbing is a sign of progress. Share your story with grief support group members, church members, on bereavement blogs, and with members of The Compassionate Friends. Telling your story connects you with others who have lost loved ones. Listen to their stories, too, because you may learn something.

Find new purpose. Life is different now and you may have to re-think your purpose. The twin’s parents died in separate car crashes and the court appointed my husband and me as their guardians. Guardianship became my new life purpose. The twins are grown now, yet I’m still involved in their lives. Today I have a new purpose—caring for my disabled husband. This is in addition to the ongoing vow to write books and articles to help others.   

The steps I’ve cited don’t guarantee happiness, but they can be re-assuring. You believe in life again and have taken the helm. Surely your loved one would want you to be happy. How you choose to live your life can be a memorial. Live your life for your loved one. Live it for yourself!