Why Grief Feels Like a Revolving Door

I liken the experience of grief and mourning to a revolving door. You know the sort you find in hotels sometimes. It's easy to miss the mark with those doors. Timing is everything. Everything has to be just right for you to step out smoothly and easily. Even though several opportunities present themselves, oftentimes you seem to be stuck in the momentum of the door. You keep spinning round and round. You want to get off yet you falter and miss the moment to step forward towards the opening. The revolving door keeps its course. Meanwhile you are spinning, looking through the glass panels and screaming. You stay stuck.

For years now, I have read many of Alan Wolfelt's books and articles on grief and loss. For those of you who may not have heard of him he is a grief educator and author. Serving as director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Colorado his teachings are heart based, compassionate, insightful and full of hope.

Recently I've been reading, "Eight Critical Questions for Mourners... and the answers that will help you heal" In this book, Alan poses eight questions, which cause us to reflect on the way in which we are grieving. What choices are we making? What steps are we taking to enable us to step out of that revolving door?

I want to share with you just one small snippet from the book. In a passage, he outlines The Six Needs of Mourning. In summary, it is Alan's belief that healing doesn't come by the passing of time itself. Rather healing is enhanced if you can embrace these six needs and actively engage in the work of exploring and mourning your loss.

This doesn't mean it is an easy thing to do. What I am about to share doesn't come easy. It takes a stretch on all levels. It's easy to understand why people often refer to such things as grief work. The experience of profound loss is devastating and finding your way in the world again is hard work. In all things though, if you are prepared and committed, healing will come.

The Six Needs of Mourning

Accept the reality of the death - whilst you may know full well in your head what has happened, accepting it in your heart is much more difficult.

Let yourself feel the pain of the loss - this hurts so much, it is natural to avoid the pain, repress or deny it instead.

Remember the person who died - it is imperative for you to remember the past and the memories you have. I would add to that and say you need to find ways to keep your relationship strong.

Develop a new self-identity - in loss, your identity, as you knew it has gone. It is time for you to take on new roles or new ways of being and doing.

Search for meaning - when someone you love dies, there are so many questions. The hows and whys. A crisis of faith and spirituality is common.

Let others help you now and always - it is essential you find support as you mourn your loss. It often doesn't come from where you might expect but from new friends and connections who understand.

Today, consider these needs as a barometer for your own healing. I'll leave you with a quote from the book.

"There is a time when we must firmly choose the course we follow, or the relentless drift of events will make the decision." Hubert V Prochnow

Maureen Hunter is the founder of Esdeer, established to support those who have experienced the loss of a loved one. Maureen works with individuals who are struggling with grief helping them to find meaning in their lives once more.

As an author, grief coach and bereaved parent, she is widely known for providing comfort, hope and inspiration through her writings and Stepping through Grief programmes.