The ABC's Of Grief - C is for Clichés & Condolences

Cliché – n. A stereotyped expression; a sentence or phrase, usually expressing a thought or idea that has lost originality and impact by overuse.

Condolence – n. An expression of sympathy, especially on the occasion of a death.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard a cliché…you know how the expression goes. It really is amazing how many times clichés are used to try and console after a death. I know this because I have been on the receiving end of these expressions for almost seven years and never more so than in the initial stages of my grief. There’s the most popular one which is that ‘things happen for a reason’, there’s also the one about God not giving you more than you can handle and you can just imagine how I reacted when I was told that Mack was in a better place. We can’t forget the oldie but goodie ‘time heals all wounds’ and the classic ‘I know how you feel’.   This is only a small sampling but I think you get the gist.

Now please don’t misunderstand me. I know that most people mean well but some just don’t know what to say, especially when it involves the death of a child. I also understand how uncomfortable and scary it can be to offer condolences, I’ve come face to face with more scared people than I care to count. Here’s the thing…unless you know that this is what a grieving person truly believes, I’m suggesting that you don’t use a cliché.  I personally don’t believe that things happen for a reason and since I question the existence of God, I find it hard to believe that he or she knows how much I can handle. The best place for Mack to be is with his family; his mother, his father, his sister, his grandparents and his uncles. Time does not heal all wounds and unless you’ve lost a child, never say that you know how I feel…you don’t.

Offering condolences doesn’t mean that you have to have words of wisdom. I didn’t need anyone to try and make sense of Mack’s death to me, it made no sense. Simple condolences are always a safe way to go like “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “My condolences”, especially if you don’t know the person well. If you do know the person then you can reach out and also give them a hug, it’s a simple gesture that conveys such a tremendous amount of emotion. Honesty is a good route, I know I always appreciated it, I still do. I had people who told me they just didn’t know what to say and I was grateful for that. I always responded that there was nothing to say. I had people who said that they just couldn’t imagine and I responded by saying that they weren’t supposed to. I also received so many beautiful notes and cards by mail.  I have pulled out these cards on more than one occasion in the past seven years, usually around the anniversary of Mack’s death in July. To this day, they move me to no end.

The point is that it is important to acknowledge a person’s loss without causing them more pain and I’m telling you that many of these clichés that seem so harmless can actually be very painful.

While I’m on the subject of condolences, coming face to face with someone you know that has experienced a loss and not acknowledging this loss is just wrong. I know it’s uncomfortable but it only takes a minute and it will be remembered. When Mack died, the majority of people were incredibly compassionate. My family, my friends and my community rallied behind us, saying and doing the right things. I wasn’t able to fully process this while it was happening but as the shock began to wear off, I did and remain forever grateful.

Unfortunately, there were people, not many but some, who never acknowledged Mack’s death and who should have. These were not strangers, I knew these people and they made a point of avoiding me or pretending it didn’t happen and although I get it,  I don’t understand it. It takes more energy and effort to avoid someone than it does to simply say a few words. Believe me, as uncomfortable as you may be to have to say something, don’t even compare it to the position of having to be on the receiving end of a condolence.

Condolences are a part of death. When we lose someone, when we fall into the abyss of pain, grief and mourning, the people you know will reach out and express sympathies. There will even be strangers who will surprise you with their empathy. You won’t realize it at the time but these condolences, these expressions of sympathy will act as shock absorbers for the first leg of your grief journey. They will be one of the first tools you will use to begin navigating what will prove to be the longest and most painful road you will ever travel.