Anxiety : My best friend

It always hits me when I least expect it....in the most unpleasant ways. That's not exactly true: i try very hard to not think about it, so as not to expect it- but normally anxiety grips me WHEN expected. The drive home from work,for example. Just about every night. Chest gripped with fear,hard time breathing....I turn my music up and tell myself my usual mantra "you are perfectly fine,there is nothing wrong with you,just keep driving..." 

Of course when this first began after my son Keith passed away 9 years ago February 26...I was a complete mess. I have had multiple heart tests and still continue to do so,the next few being next week,to be sure the undetected heart murmur they have discovered isn't giving me any trouble. I have always been a "take the problem head on,feel the feelings,learn how to deal with a situation and handle it type person" But,these intense terrible anxiety ridden panic attacks are NO joke. I become completely unglued. YOU would never know it as my perfect little mask is ALWAYS on,but internally or at home,i am positively exhausted by holding it all together.

I am pretty positive ,once again if I let myself experience all this hurt and anguish,i might just be that much better. But I am also pretty positive if I do that,i may never come back. 

I feel like anxiety is my bodies way of internally processing my unending nervousness. I may not be thinking of my son or our loss,but it won't ever leave my brain. My mind.My thoughts.So,i keep myself as busy as I possibly can and when i do sit in the car,sit with the newspaper...BAM...my mind is in a whirl. I can't relax. 

I think to myself ,as I take a deep,deep breath and say Please,not today ....let me please just BE today.....i understand my unwelcome new friend is here to stay