Whether you're a professional or family caregiver, this role is one of the most difficult in life. Taking care of another person, and remembering to take care of yourself, isn't easy. Caregivers grieve, too, and this makes the role even harder. I know, because I was my mother's family caregiver for nine years.
Until I became her caregiver, I'd never heard of this form of early grief. In fact, I learned about it accidentlly. I was downtown, shopping, when I met a friend who is a certified grief counselor. She asked how I was, and I admitted that I was anxious and nervous lately. My friend knew I was my mother's caregiver and replied quickly. "It's anticipatory grief, and it's very powerful," she explained.
Her comment let me on a research quest. I studied anticipatory grief for years. At the same time, I worked on an outline for a book about the topic. After my mother died, I realized my outline was "off" and startedd it all over again. I braided key points from the former outline into new points. Still, I realized that many have never heard of this type of loss.
SMILES AND TEARS
Word by word, page by page, the outline grew. I sent my book idea to my current publisher and waited eagerly for a reply. There was none. Finally, I called the office in New York City and talked with an editor. My carefully constructed case for a book fell on deaf ears. "I don't get it," the editor commented. "I just don't get it."
From the sound of her voice (she sounded very young) I could tell that grief wasn't part of her life experience, and I couldn't make her "get it." Maybe we don't recognize this form of grief readily because it's so obvious and part of daily life. I followed the editor's advice and found a physician co-author. We eventually published the book with Create Space, the publishing arm of Amazon.
The definition of anticipatory grief is one of the most important points in our book. It's grief is a feeling of loss before a death or dreaded event occurrs. You may feel this kind of grief if your teen is on drugs. You may feel it if your baby was born with a heart defect. You may feel it if you hear your company is going to be "downsized" and staff are going to be let go.
POWER OF A.G.
Why is anticipatory grief powerful? First, your mind leapfrogs about, jumping from past, to present, to future. That's bad enough, but your mind does this time and again. This is an uncompleted loss, which adds to your anxiety. Many people who are experiencing this type of loss are in emotional limbo and don't know what to feel. My mother suffered from dementia for nine years and I wondered if each day would be her last.
To make things worse, anticipatory grief may become complex -- even more complex than post-death grief. Though you're coping with disparate feelings you continue to have hope. Maybe this will be the day that things turn around. Finally, this early type of grief ends with the death of your loved one or friend. Then you experience post-death grief. How can you cope with these conflicting feelings?
COPING TIPS
You may start by learning all you can about anticipatory grief. Writing in a journal will also help immensely. Like me, you may have to learn to take care of yourself while taking care of someone else. Another coping strategy, and I can't emphasize it enough, is to include quiet time in each day. In the quiet you discover problems, solutions and yourself.
As you make your way through this dark time of life, you may identify other ways of coping, such as continuing with a hobby or taking up a new one. You're the only person who can determine what works best for you. Anticipatory grief is difficult, yet it may help you make the most of each day. There's more living to be done!
Copyright 2012 by Harriet Hodgson
Harriet Hodgson has been an independent journalist fr 35+ years, is the author of 31 published books, and hundreds of Internet/printed articles. Her recent work focuses on grief and she has written seven resources, including "Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief," Lois Krahn, MD, co-author, "Writing to Recover: The Journey from Loss and Grief to a New Life," "Writing to Recover Journal," "101 Affirmations to Ease Your Grief Journey," "The Spiritual Woman: Quotes to Refresh and Sustain Your Soul," "Happy Again! Your New and Meaningful Life After Loss," and "Help! I'm Raising My Grandkids: Grandparents Adapting to Life's Surprises." Visit her website and learn more about this busy author.
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