Mama

I'm watching "It's a wonderful life".   What a Christmas  favorite.  Mama, we used to watch it every year.  I don't think we watched it last year, because I was too busy.  If I'd only known you would be in heaven this year.  I feel so far away from my "normal" self.  So far away from everything good.  Even MY God, who has saved me, sacrificed his only son to die in my place and created me in His image.  Even He feels far away.  

Six years ago, I gave my life to Jesus.  Two years ago, you did!  Since I was saved, It has been a thrill a minute, learning, writing, growing, witnessing, and seeing the effect that my salvation has had on my family and others.  Studying God's word has been food for my soul.  Everyday I couldn't wait to crack it open and tosee what He had in store for me.  What plans He had in store for me.  What has happened to me? Since your death six months Why do I feel so far away from my Creator?  I find satan whispering in my ear "Did I ever truly belong to God?"and "how could a good God Your my mom"  

My head knows the truth...but my heart is falling behind.  In the midst of all of my blessings, You had to leave me mama.  Oh my beloved, precious and beautiful mama.  I only had 51 years with you.   You were the lover of my heart, the one person who truly "knew" me, the one who accepted me, warts and all.  Oh mama, how can I go for the rest of my life without you?  

Without hearing your voice.  I know I was so blessed to have you 10 houses down from me.  We had 18 vacations together.  I can't face the Holidays without you.  I know Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead..why not you?  I have pleaded with God like the parable of the persistent widow but God has decided to keep you in paradise.  How selfish of me to ask you back, now that you are well again. I have been trying to study. Trying to remember that I trust a sovereign God.

The only true God. That same God who has my name written on the palm of His hand.  I know there is a season for everything..a time to live and a time to die.  Those words are the same words that has been food for my soul but now sounds hollow.  Death is part of life.  Please, God, grab me back protect me from satan at this vulnerable time" Hold me and comfort me?"  Turn this nightmare into something good.  Mama...my heart doesn't feel right, almost as if I have half inside of me and half in heaven with you.  Please whisper in our Father's ear..please ask help to me make it through the night.