You already know that the holidays are going to be different-- difficult. As a matter of fact you may find that everything in you is telling you not to participate this year. I think back on what it was like for me during that first year after the death of my husband: I can best describe it as my mind and emotions were engaged in a sit-in, while my body was going through the motions of living. It's hard to fathom being happy and grateful around others who are celebrating while we are so sad. Yet such is the reality of life... sometimes fullness and emptiness, joy and sadness do co-exist and share the same space, even in our own being.
The best way to mange the holidays is to Think Ahead. There are three things to consider as you prepare to journey through the holidays:
1. Take stock of where you are on the grief journey. I thought I was ready to attend a family reunion on my husband's side of the family, only five months after he died. Early on in the event, before dinner, I noted how much some of his cousins looked like him... my mind recalled previous gatherings with my husband present and I broke down into heaving sobs which I could not control... too much too soon. A large gathering may not be the thing for you as it was not the best choice for me either. Be aware that any size gathering is going to be a little disconcerting, as you enter social settings as the "new" person - the person who is missing part of what here-to-fore defined you... wife, husband, mother, father, daughter, son, friend.
2. Although you may want time to yourself (which is understandable),allowing yourself to be included, may be healing for you, so try to engage at some level. Allow others to love you and give you support. Perhaps a friend invites you to a function that you do not wish to attend. Can you stop by for dessert? Or maybe the two of you can meet for dinner at another time during the season. What would feel comfortable for you? Part of healing is re-engaging--doing so in your own way and at your own pace. I encourage you to not spend too much time alone, when there are people who want to be a part of your healing. Perhaps there is an opportunity for you to focus less on your loss by helping someone else... volunteering in a soup kitchen, or sending a card to someone who is ill. You're likely to feel better.
3. Remember your loved one during the holiday, even though it is painful. When someone you love dies, you will remember them on the "Firsts" the first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first birthday, first anniversary... Openly remembering them instead of ignoring them, may soothe the emotional pain. Light a candle in their honor or write to them in a journal, shed tears, talk openly about the loss to a trusted friend. There may be others in the family who would welcome the opportunity to remember and pay tribute. In due time you may see fit to establish some type of tradition that acknowledges the life of your loved one: a visit to the grave site with fresh flowers on their birthday, for example. A friend shared a lovely story of taking cards that her deceased husband had written to her when she traveled solitaire on a long train trip. She was able to reminisce and find comfort as she rode.
The "Firsts" are the most painful... and yes the "Seconds" aren't a thrill either but it does become less heart-wrenching as you move toward acceptance of the loss. The loss can not be undone. To re-engage in life despite your loss is possible and is not a betrayal or abandonment. Nor does it speak to the quality or endurance of your love. It may be difficult to believe, but one day your emotions, body and spirit will be in harmony and all stand up together as you fully return to life and what it has to offer, including the holidays.
Elizabeth Bridges is a licensed professional counselor and a certified life coach. She has operated Oasis Christian Counseling Services for nearly two decades and spent thirty-one years as a public school educator. In 2012 she released How Do I Get There from Here? Biblical and Clinical Tools for Optimal Mental Health (available through amazon.com), which identifies and then provides strategies to address obstacles that hinder progress and prevent realization of potential. Her 2013 publication is the workbook, Claiming Your Divine Calling (available through her website). This publication takes the reader module by module through a process of appreciation and assurance building in regard to his uniqueness and the connection to his life purpose.
email:[email protected] and visit http://www.mydivinecalling.com to find out more about services available.
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