Ritual Vs. Relationship: a hard look at choosing to engage in life after loss

We live in fast food, live-streaming, ATM cash dispensing, instant credit card swiping culture. Figuring out how to balance the most important aspects in our lives and keeping them from becoming a habit is difficult. But if we purposefully choose to engage in our own lives and take a hard look at how and why we do things, it can really change not only the way we do them but the outcome.

Family and Holidays. How we chose to parent can become a system that we don't even think about and do out of routine. Get the kids ready for school, pick the kids up, extracurricular activates, homework, dinner, baths, bedtime, rinse, repeat. The key to turning ritual into relationship is by thoughtfully participating in the tiny moments that make up each of those steps. Engaging with our children: asking them questions, listening to their stories, savoring each kiss and hug creates an unbreakable bond. Sometimes it’s hard, especially when we have had a long day and not a lot of sleep but that's usually when it’s the most important to stop and actually participate in our lives, not just hit cruise control and have it all pass us by. I was never more aware of this until after my 9-month-old son, Dylan, passed away from SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) in 2013. Luckily, at the time, I thought he was going to be my last child, so I really immersed myself in every moment I had with him. Looking back, I'm so grateful for that. But what if he had been my first child or my second? Would I feel the same lack of regret? If I'm honest, probably not. I had a lot going on when I had my first two children, external events that took my focus off of savoring those small moments of perfection. I didn't realize until after my son died, how truly precious all the little moments really are and that sometimes, they become even more valuable than the big ones we focus so much of our time on. After my son died, my husband and I choice to have another child, my third daughter and I can say, I am keenly aware of how valuable each moment is with her as well as her sisters. Parenting properly is important but being a loving parent is paramount. We should strive to give our kids all we can and do right by them but it needs to be balanced by letting them be kids and showing them their inner worth. Would I rather my child grow up being a concert level pianist that never felt loved by their parents because of the focus on exterior things or a child that maybe spent half as much time being shuttled to and from lessons allowing more family time causing them to feel more important than what they could do? People always quote, "Quality over quantity." If I can't give my child lots of time, I will just make sure to give them quality time. But I really believe it need to be both. Children need to feel they matter and the best way you can do that is to spend a little less of our time watching tv, reading a book or surfing the internet and play a board game with them, go outside and count the stars at night or take a walk together. Another area where ritualism can form is with our spouses. Fatigue and stress of daily life can cause us to treat our spouse as a ship passing in the night. By the time the day is over, we have no energy to engage in any type of intimacy. I feel this way often but my husband needs to feel connected and needs to know that he is a priority, not at the bottom of my "to do" list. We have to make ourselves do that extra little thing they like, tell them how much they mean to us, cook them dinner even when you don't feel like it just because you know it will put a smile on their face. It's important to nurture that bond because when our kids grow up and we retire, all each of us will have is the relationship we did (or didn't) create with our spouse. We don't want to wake up one day, look over at a stranger lying next to us and think, "I have no idea who that is or what's important to that person." Another area that we can find ourselves following tradition rather than making purposeful choices is during the holidays. I know that I personally have fallen victim to this. I want to do activities on certain holidays a certain way because of nostalgia and/or guilt. One example: Going around and making everyone say what they are thankful for on Thanksgiving. In the past, I always made it a point to do this because I grew up ever year doing it. Another example is opening one gift on Christmas Eve because we always did that when I was a child. It's hard for me to not want to keep things the same. It's even harder to merge two sets of traditions together and even though my husband and I were both raised in Christian homes, we celebrated many of the holidays differently (in some cases not at all, like Halloween). Trying to find a way to accommodate both sets of expectations and needs is extremely hard during an already stressful time like the holidays. But what should really matter is following those traditions (or not) because they personally mean something. We can also make new traditions that are special and significant to your family. We used to let each of our children pick out an ornament for Christmas and now that our son has passed away, we didn't end the tradition, instead, as a family we have evolved the tradition into picking one for him and placing it on the tree right beside the others. We can also look at the holidays differently rather than the way we always have in the past. Like on Thanksgiving, we should be saying we are thankful every day, not just once a year because that's what's mandated. We should allow ourselves to acknowledge that there are seasons where it's difficult to find a grateful heart in the midst of deep turmoil or grief and when Thanksgiving comes around during those seasons, God will understand, if from our broken place, we tell Him how we really feel rather than sugarcoating it.  The holidays don't need to fit into the perfect photo album. It's okay to not be okay.

Graveyards and Funerals. Most people like to use the term "visit" the cemetery. I don't so much as see myself as a "visitor" as much as an honorary citizen. I have my plot already picked out next to my son and I know one day I will be a permanent citizen but in the meantime, I am content to upkeep the grounds and commemorate those that have gone before me. When I go to the cemetery, it's a way for me to continue to have a relationship with my son and my father even though I know both of them are in heaven now. Because I have gone to the cemetery often over the past two and half years, my living children have grown up playing amongst the trees there, fixing the flowers of strangers' graves, taking gifts to their baby brother and grandfather on special occasions and doing balloon releases on their birthdays. Through doing these things, I see my children finding a acute awareness of what's to come after this life and a deep knowledge of how limited our time here on earth really is. I think visiting a graveyard becomes ritualistic when we do it out of habit or out of guilt, when there is no thought behind it other than "I should do this" or "this is what I always do." In the beginning, I went every Sunday to see my son simply because the cemetery was by my old church but now that we have moved and my son's grave moved with us, I tend to go more sporadically and I found more freedom in that. Sometimes I will go several times a week, sometimes only once a week and there have even been times where I haven't made it there every week due to various circumstances. The thing is, my son and dad aren't really there. I know that but I go there to feel connected to them and to give me a quiet place to reflect and process my loss. It's about honoring the relationship I had with both of them here on earth and the relationship and I know will be restored again one day. Funerals can be viewed the same way. Many people have funerals out of habit because "it's what you do" when some dies or they do it out of obligation to please everyone else. A friend of mine's father died recently and their family chose not to have any type of official ceremony and instead had an intimate dinner with close family. They chose to forgo ritual and chose relationship because that was what they wanted. They honored him the way he had asked them to which was more important than doing what they thought they should by cultural standards.

 When we strip away all the rituals and focus on our relationships, we are capable of anything. It's a choice, a tough one sometimes, but if we make that choice to engage in life, we will never regret it.