Today They Set The Stone

Today They Set The Stone.

Losing BarryBear has been the hardest thing in my life thus far that I've had to face. This time last year we were planning our only vacation alone and our "honeymoon" because we weren't ever able to go away before. Now one year later, he is gone. I'm thankful I had that time with him. God knew he was to face the battle of cancer in only a few months after.

I lost both my parents in the 90's and it hurt so very much. I love them and still to this day, I miss them and wish they were here to help me through these painful days I face alone. I often think what my mother would have thought of Bear. I know she would have loved him as much as I do. My mother was such a good woman and to me no other could be as selfless as she was. Then Bear came along and his sweet personality and demeanor reminded me of my sweet momma. So sweet, giving, and selfless. I would often tell him how I wished he could have met my Mother. My daddy would have loved him also. His respectful ways and manners. He would have been so proud of how hard Bear worked and how he took such good care of me and Kasey. Unfortunately, they never got to meet the love of my life. I waited a long time for God to send me my soulmate. I struggled on my own in earlier years. Not waiting on His timing but being selfish and going my own way. I'm grateful to God for giving me this awesome man for 11 years of my life. The loss of him is greater than I ever thought it could be. The pain is greater than I thought it ever could be. My days are lonely and painful. I'm grateful for the few friends and family I have that show me love and try to help me through this. Seems that when the storm started in my life, it rages on and on instead of calming. I'm still waiting for the calm of the storm holding on to Jesus with all that I have left.

I want everyone to know that I truly appreciate all the kind words, encouragement, and prayers for me during this time. It has been 3 months and three weeks. I know that I'm not easy to get along with most days. I am easy to anger and easy to lash out. I cry alot. I scream and feel like I can't take another minute. Sometimes I ask God to please take me because I know no purpose. Then he doesn't take me and I just pray to know where I'm going. I know some understand how I feel but some can't and you are blessed not too. I ask for patience from you and kindness.

I miss my husband so much and I love him!!! I will never stop being his wife. I will never get over losing him. I will learn to live with his death and go on as best as I can but Bear was my life. He gave me everything he had to give. His heart, soul, and love. He loved me no matter what, through everything that I was and am today. Trying to live my life without him feels impossible most days. I will never feel his hand in mine, I will never again feel his arms around me, hear his laugh, see his oh so beautiful smile.... again. My heart is crushed... just crushed. I hear some say... "you have to get over this and move on". These are the people that haven't ever felt this pain. People do move on. Some better than others. Some move on because they really didn't have the love for the one they lost. Some just go through the motions of daily living. To the outside world looking in, I know it gets so tiring watching someone grieve. But unfortunately, we can't just get "over it" to please others and help them not to worry about us because it would make them feel better. If we could just "move on", don't you think we would. Grief isn't for attention. Believe me, I pray everyday for God to help me get through just one more day. Half of me is missing. Some get that ... some don't. Some go their whole lives and never experience true love. I was blessed to be one of the lucky ones. To me, I'm still married to my Bear. My love for him will never die.

Today, they are going to set his stone on his grave. It feels final. He has a birthday coming up on October 9th. He would have been 49. I miss him so much. Life for me is dark and full of sorrow. I'm still in this raging storm. I'm looking up and praying to God waiting for this storm to calm. Bear's storm raged for 5 months and 3 weeks and the worse part two days before God took him.His suffering plays over and over in my mind. Yes, I know he isn't suffering now but what I saw doesn't go away. Mine.... well....it still rages with such strength and intensity I wonder if it will ever weaken.

My sweet forever love and husband, Bear, I think of you every minute of every day. I wake up most mornings reaching for your hand. Hoping that one day I will feel your touch and this will have all been a nightmare. That will never happen but the hope in me is new each and everyday. I love you now and forever.

No He isn't with me. He is with God and he can't look back. He is happy now with Jesus and praising him. But as my sweet brother Tony who I love so much told me the day of Bear's funeral and reminded me just the other day, "Jesus lives in your heart, Bear is with Jesus. So, how close is Bear to you? As close as Jesus is in your own heart." My brother is an amazing man with a wonderful family who has served the Lord for over 35 years as a man of God and pastor and he and his wife have felt the grief of losing love ones so great that I can't comprehend. I greatly respect and love them so much. Still they praise God everyday.

One day, I will be in Heaven too. But for now, my pain is great. I pray for one day to wake up and feel I have a new lease on life or I pray to be in Heaven. Only God can make that decision. I know He knows best. He is the only anchor I have in this still raging raging storm.