Ways for a Bereaved Parent to Reconcile Grief

Everyone grieves. You may have experienced the loss of parents, relatives, and friends. This experience, unfortunately, doesn't prepare you for the death of a child. A child's death brings you to your knees, devastates you, and renders you helpless. In 2007 four of my family members, including my elder daughter, all died.

Losing my daughter brought me to my knees. Because I'm a "seasoned citizen I thought I would come to terms with grief quickly. I was wrong. In addition to grieving for four family members, my husband and I were guardians of our twin grandchildren. Grieving for multiple losses and raising grandkids proved to be the biggest challenge of our lives.

Theresa A. Rando, PhD, author of How to Go in Living When Someone You Love Dies, thinks you never recover fully from a loved one's death. That is why she puts the word recover in quotes and prefers the word reconcile. Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD describes reconciliation in his article, "The Mourner's Six Reconciliation Needs, published on the Center for Loss website.

According to Wolfelt, mourners encounter six yield signs during their grief journey: 1) acknowledging reality; 2) embracing pain; 3) remembering the deceased; 4) creating a new self-identity; 5) searching for meaning; and 6) receiving support from others. Thankfully, I knew reconciliation and recovery were up to me. I found my way through the darkness and the coping steps I took may help you.

Daily quiet time. Some try to outrun grief by becoming extra busy and avoiding quiet. They hope business and noise will protect them from their own thoughts. This doesn't work and may prolong grief. So I made quiet, including meditation, part of each day. In the quiet I found the solutions I was seeking.

Accepting pain. Thanks to my age, I'm familiar, perhaps too familiar, with pain. Still, this experience worked in my favor. Going with the pain – accepting it, feeling it, and using it – is a principle of chemical dependency treatment. Accepting the pain of grief shortened my pain. 

Learning about grief. I researched grief, grief recovery, multiple losses, and secondary losses. Many grief experts think each death creates a dozen or more secondary losses. Certainly, this was true for me. My solution was to work on each secondary loss as soon as possible.

Expressing grief. I expressed my grief in spoken and written words. Several well-meaning friends told me I would have to give up writing to care for my grandkids. Instead of giving up my career, I changed the focus of my writing, and wrote about grief reconciliation and recovery.

Living the moment. Despite my sorrow, I tried to pay attention to what was happening around me. This enabled me to enjoy my grandkids and see the pluses they brought to my life. My husband and I went to gymnastics meets, choir concerts, marching band concerts, and other school events, and we enjoyed them all.

Practicing self-care. My self-care includes writing, decorating, yearly physical exams, healthy eating, a walking program, time for reading, and enjoying my husband's company. Being home with him is one of the greatest joys of my life.

Though it may not seem possible now, the time will come when you begin to trust life again. You will trust your instincts, set mew goals, and even laugh. When you come to terms with the death of a child, you are honoring your child and remembering him or her. The greatest tribute you can give your child is to enjoy the days you have.