Why Am I Happy?

     One day after my sweet mommy passed away I found myself questioning why I was happy? Why was God allowing me to move on after my moms death? No, I said I refuse to have joy in my heart. I need to remain in my pain so she knows that I love her and that she could never be replaced.

     I found myself finding ways to continue mourning. I would read her text messages, look at pictures, and videos. I even listened to her last message on my phone over and over again... Until I felt I had cried enough to show her and the world that I loved and missed her.

     Even though my son had come through a very serious surgery successfully and graduated from high school, I continued to minimize my joy. Even when my highschool sweet heart and soulmate came back into my life I found ways to bring sorrow into that relationship as well.

   It wasn't until my final doctors appointment with my breast cancer surgeron November 24,2014 and he gave me the all clear. It was official the battle that I had begun 22 months earlier with my mommy was over. I didn't know whether to cry or smile. I didn't realize that I had continued to associate the closeness to my mom with my continued fight.

    Now I don't have to fight anymore, what do I do? Do I just BE HAPPY? What does it mean to even be happy anymore? Then I realized that she did what God wanted her to do, she helped her daughter beat cancer. She stayed with me for four months and nursed me back to health. She reminded me that cancer was NOT going to kill me. We smiled when there was little hope or reason in our minds to smile.

     We were just happy to happy! So that is when I realized that I am happy because I had my mommy for 41 1/2 years physcially, but I will  have her for the rest of my life spiritually. That's why I am happy.

     I know there are alot of you out there just like me. I know it hasn't been a year and I am not a professional counselor. I am just a young woman that is trying to live with out my mom, but I do know that you will have good days, bad days, and horrible days. Just know that your tommorrow could never be worst than your today. If you get your joy back you shouldn't feel guilty nor does it mean your loss isn't painful, you deserve peace and happiness.

     Live life to its fullest and continue to pray and have faith that God will comfort your wounded heart. I am a living testimony of how good God is, be blessed.