Letting Go

My husband left this Earth in September 2012. I was immediately struck with guilt because I was not at home when it happened. I had gone to work as usual that morning with a kiss and hug. I remembering lingering just a few minutes longer, now I know why .The first night was filled with so many phone calls and cigarettes- although I had quit years before. I just had not really processed the fact that my love, my soulmate, my first, last and everything was no longer here. I sat in our living room all night long not fully understanding what had happened. This is how it began.

The days that followed were filled with more phone calls…. I just couldn’t keep telling the story over and over. My head was spinning. I was a mess.  My sisters, nieces and nephew flew in from N.Y. and thank goodness, they took over. The day before Pete’s funeral it hit me. I literally collapsed. I was dripping with raw, dirty, emotions that felt like an angry emotional rape. Anger, regret, desperation, pit of the stomach sorrow, fear, relief, I felt giddy…. not happy- almost “crazy” giddy, fear, despair and those tears did not stop. Was this somehow my fault? Did I love him enough? Did he know how much I loved him? Was he afraid? This one still plagues me. Did I do enough for him? Was I the woman he wanted me to be? I never should have argued with him!  I should have paid more attention. Why did I tell him I was tired? Can he see me? Does he know how much he is missed and loved?  I still carried similar questions following the passing of my parents and younger sister.

So many people offering love, support and “Dear Abby” advice.  Well intended and graciously received.  All the past experiences of how I was exposed to this process with the passing of Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and friends shot to shit because it is not a scripted event. This was just the tip of the iceberg. I felt like everyone was watching to see how I was reacting. Did I cry enough?  Was it ok to say he died? How am I going to pay the bills? Where did I put his will? How is his family going to react to his wishes? What can I expect at the funeral? How am I going to pay for the funeral?? I can’t go to that place again.

It’s amazing what the human brain does in times like this. I surrounded myself with family and friends for the first week. When everyone went home and it was quiet again, I found myself reassessing all the questions I had.  Then as the days turned into weeks and then months there were more thoughts and questions. It became such an emotional tug of war. I lost so, so much.  The depth of the level of loss took 2 years to comprehend. Not just the obvious… the person. I lost family. I suppose they have their reasons, but they no longer call or attempt any contact. I have done my part. I cannot force anyone to do anything. This is their choice. Friends who just can’t handle how long I am grieving.  There are so many things.

It has taken me 33 months to be able to understand …. I did everything I knew to do at the time. Could I have done more? Probably. Would I do things differently given the chance? I don’t know. I don’t believe that God only gives us what we can handle. I believe my God, gives me the strength to carry the load and the resolve to use my other gifts to figure out another way to carry the load or decide which things I don’t have to carry anymore. I also embraced my belief that forgiveness of self is the hardest. If I could forgive myself then that was all I needed.

I cannot carry the negative any more. I will not. I was a good wife, lover, caregiver…. I did the best I could. I cannot carry guilt anymore. I have nothing to feel guilty about. This will allow me to move through my journey. I will never stop missing my husband. I will love him forever. In order to continue my journey up Grief Mountain, I have to leave the baggage that keeps me stuck in this place. This is necessary for me.

 I am letting go. I will no longer question myself.

I am letting go. I will no longer blame myself.

 I am letting go. I will no longer play Devil’s Advocate to try to justify someone’s behavior.

 I am letting go. I cannot be responsible for someone’s emotions.

I am letting go. Every negative emotion.

I am letting go. I know I was everything I could be with what I knew at the time.

I am letting go. I do not have anything to prove.

I am letting go. I am no longer worried about how long or how I grieve. It is mine.

I am letting go. This is my journey.