A Widow before a Bride: Celebrating our wedding day in Ireland

Your wedding day. For most women, this is the day we’ve been dreaming of since we were 6 years old. We’d play dress up by donning fake rings too big for our small fingers, wrap blankets around our waists as a long dress, pillow cases over our heads for veils. As we get older we giggled with friends, gaze longingly at wedding dress shop displays, day dream about the perfect wedding day and the perfect man. For me, March 18^th 2016 was set to be that perfect day and a gift from God named Chase was the perfect man.  He looked at me as if I was the most glorious thing he had ever seen in his life and I could always see the love in his eyes. He told me again and again that he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me, even the date 3/18/16 on his phone had in bold letters MY WEDDING! Chase did spend the rest of his life with me, but as March 18^th dawned, rather than getting ready for the best day of my life, I’m reliving the worst day, July 3^rd 2015. When the two most horrible words were spoken to me: “he’s gone”. When I walked hand in hand with his mom to the room where he lay, eyes closed and still. And when at last it was agreed we should go I remembered cupping his face as best I could and looking at my sister in law, telling her, “Liz, I can’t leave him.” To this day, I still harbor some deep wish that this is all a nightmare and I didn’t lose my best friend. With him, everything that I had waited and prayed for in a relationship had come true. Our families not only accepted our choice in mates, but loved us and welcomed us into their lives and it was the same with our friends. Chase and I talked about everything, we didn’t have a fight, expressed when the other had hurt feelings and worked it out. We shared many interests and opened each other up to others. We loved being together but encouraged the other to spend time with their friends independently.  I had a man who loved to cuddle and said I love you frequently. He lived for and loved God and inspired me in his faith to strengthen mine. I never had second thoughts in our relationship, the only awkward moment was on our first date when we weren’t sure if we should hold hands during the movie. After that, everything was so natural and familiar it felt like we had done this before. Losing him…there are days when I can’t breathe.

So where does Ireland come into this? Well, long before we got engaged, we talked about our wedding and he mentioned he really liked the idea of a Celtic theme. Claddagh wedding bands, Celtic wedding traditions and symbols, him and the rest of the groomsmen and our male family members in kilts (his idea!), we even set the date to be the day after St. Patrick’s Day. We were both Irish and enjoyed our heritage. A few weeks after we lost Chase, my parents came to me with an offer: since March 18^th was going to be a difficult day, they would like to take me out of the country. Mom mentioned a few different places, but when she said Ireland, that sounded perfect. It matched our theme, our heritage, and he always wanted to go.

 During that time between then and March, I went through many firsts without him like our anniversary, his birthday, Christmas, New Year, a wedding, a memorial, Valentine’s Day. I went to grief sessions, continue to serve as a lead usher at our church (which is how we met and grew close), and maintain Friday dinners with his family. All the while feeling alone in a group of people, unable to go anywhere without knowing that I’m only half of who I used to be. I struggled with the knowledge that Chase won’t walk through the front door again with a smile and kiss and that I’ll only hear his laughter in memories. I envy those who still have someone who loves them as much as Chase and I loved each other. Going through the simple and everyday things that they take for granted like what to have for dinner, worrying about bills and yardwork, getting upset over leaving the cap off the toothpaste or tripping over their shoes.  I couldn’t bring myself to get really excited about the trip. Instead of researching tours and landmarks to see, I found myself thinking about the wedding I should be planning. I did take the itinerary my mom gave me and she and I worked out landmarks to see and came up with a pretty cool schedule. We would start in Dublin and travel around the South and West, staying overnight in places like Cork, Killarney, Doolin and Galway before ending in Dublin again, a total of 8 days.

 Ireland is beautiful, there is a reason it is on so many people’s top travel list. It has an otherworldly charm; somehow manages to be modern and keep with their traditions as well. The weather was perfect the entire trip, oddly it did not rain, and the sun was out often. We arrived in Ireland on the 15^th of March and for the first couple of days, I was caught up in travel and the worries about getting around that I didn’t focus too much on the reason we were there.

 It wasn’t until St. Patrick’s Day that the reality of what was happening hit. We went to Blarney Castle that day and as I was walking toward the castle, I thought about how today was supposed to be our wedding rehearsal. Later that evening, we would be standing in the church were we met with our family and bridal party, going through the rundown of the ceremony and having a St Paddy’s Day themed dinner; there was even an Irish blessing that I wanted to say to him that day. I felt tears in my eyes as I thought about how much I wanted to be holding his hand, how much that I wished he was here seeing this with me. My step-dad was engrossed with the scenery, but my mom noticed. She told me she was proud of me and when she had me pose by a set of steps, she told me, “Shelly, you’re not sitting alone.”

 I believe that those who love us never leave and that they are there for us when we need them. Sometimes we can sense them; sometimes we’re too close to understand what we are feeling. It seems that an indicator for me is when I start to cry during an otherwise calm moment. To have my mom (who is more spiritually in tune that I am) tell me she felt Chase there when I needed him, when I was thinking about how much I wished he was there brought me a sense of peace and some regret. Great, he was there in spirit, but I can’t take his hand now, can I? Nevertheless, my mood lifted a bit as we wondered through the castle, kissed the stone (check out the history of the stone if you’re not familiar with it) and strolled through the expansive grounds. Ireland is a country of legends and a part of the grounds called the Rock Close highlights the lore of fairies. Things such as flowing waterfalls, tall oaks, tales of the Blarney Witch, and a set of wishing steps, which says that if you walk down the steps and back up with your eyes closed, focused on one wish, then it will come true within in year. I didn’t do this, because no power on heaven or earth will reverse time so he never left us. Deeper in was a Druid Circle. I figured what the heck and closed my eyes, took a deep breath and opened them again, imaging him standing by the stones. As I walked through the grounds a little behind my parents, there was a path that led off and I followed it. Something inside said to wonder down those paths, seeing the moss covered rocks and the hints of flowers getting ready to bloom after a winter of sleeping and tears prickled my eyes again. Later, my mom told me that she had stopped feeling Chase for a while, but picked him up again by the stones, near where I veered off on my own. Maybe I’m starting to learn how to sense him, too. On our way out, I saw a single flower bright and blooming alone and I thought it was so beautiful that I had to take a picture of it. My mom said, “Of course you do. I’m suddenly hearing Reba’s song I’m a Survivor in my head.” I hadn’t been thinking of the symbolism at the time, but I understood what she meant.

The next day dawned, our wedding day. Before leaving for our daily activities, I went on Facebook and changed my last name to his, something I had told people I was going to do. I took the wheel for part of the day, hoping the concertation needed to navigate the tiny roads would keep me from thinking of everything else and it did. Today, I had a special goal. I had brought a little bit of his ashes with me and wanted to sprinkle them on this day, I just had to find the right spot. The first spot I had thought was Skellig Michael, an island off the coast where the last scene of the new Star Wars movie was filmed. Chase and I loved watching those movies together, but he passed before we could see the 7^th one for his birthday. The problem is that due to weather and currents, passage to the island is not open until later in the year. We went to Bray Head on Valencia Island which offers a view of the island, but between closed passage, closed exhibits, misplacing our camera and having to go back, and lunch, I never found a spot where I could place the ashes in the water and send them to the island. But that was because there was a better place for them. The Ring of Kerry. Our B&B was right in the middle of it and come to find out 10 mins away from the perfect spot. After lunch, I mentioned I wanted see the Torch Waterfall, a place I had read about in our tour book. As soon as we neared the path and I could hear the water, I again wondered away from my parents toward the sound of the water and found where the falls start. It was beautiful, the sun was shining and I was alone. Inspired, I took out the bottle and tipped a very small amount of his ashes toward the water. But the wind blew most of them back and onto my jeans. I think it was God and Chase’s way of saying, “Not exactly here, explore more, there’s some place else.” I went back to my parents and we continued down the path. It was steep but had gorgeous views and after a time, there came a sound other than the rushing water: bagpipes. Once we could see the falls, my mom stopped, not wanting to go further down due to her bad knee. My curiosity of the piper got the best of me and after agreeing that I would meet them at the car, I went down while my parents started back up. Climbing over large rocks, I hunched down at the bottom of the falls and pulled out my camera, capturing the way the late afternoon sun shone through the trees and onto the water. And it was in that spot that I released that small part of Chase I had taken with me, not onto ground to stay in one place, but into the water to travel through the land that was his heritage. Then I continued on my hunt for the music. I found him not that far away, a lone piper, handsomely dressed and pacing along a small path by the water. As he turned to face me, I took out my camera and he nodded his acknowledgement of me as I took his picture. Not sure why, I placed my hand over my heart and bowed my head to him in thanks. When I had climbed back up the hill and rejoined my parents at the spot where the falls started, my mom told me she saw in my face that I had found the spot.

I wish I could say that finding the right spot made the day bearable, but there’s more to it. All day, I kept seeing wedding signs. The place where we had lunch advertised all over that they hosted weddings, even their bathroom stall said “engaged” if someone was in it. Other places were passed boasted wedding packages. We passed a church on our way to the falls where finely dressed people were gathered outside the steps, awaiting the bride and groom to make their departure and I felt a stab of envy of this couple getting to be married today when I couldn’t. Shops displayed wedding gifts and Mr. and Mrs. merchandise. We went into a store and the music kept playing She Moved Thro' the Fair over and over again on repeat. I told my mom it felt like everything was conspiring to smack me in the face with the fact that I’m not currently going through my own wedding day. She told me not to think of it that way, that maybe it was Chase’s way of reminding me that he had wanted to marry me, that I am still his soulmate and that even as she spoke the words, she told me she felt in her heart that this was the case. I couldn’t help but think he might be going about it the wrong way, all I felt was pain, sorrow and regret. I went back to our B&B to the uplifting and kind remarks people had left regarding my post on what today was and to my name change. His mom reminded me the words that his dad spoke to me that day at the hospital; that I might have my own name, but it doesn’t matter, because I am a Cardwell to them. His older brother messaged me that he very much hoped I made the name change legal. My best friend remarked that today should have been the conclusion to our plans that had started so long ago, but that we should continue to plan for eternity in heaven. As I reflected on the day, I thought about what my mom said in the shop and then about the piper and why he touched me so. Then it hit me, Chase was supposed to have been dressed like the piper was today for our wedding. I never got to see him in his kilt and outfit, but I got to see the piper, standing by the water where Chase’s ashes were passing him by. The gift of seeing him is hard to explain, but remains a treasure.

I’m writing 10 days since the day we were supposed to get married and as I look at some of the pictures that were taken, I can see the significance behind them that others won’t.  Like some will see two tombstones, while I see a story of a wife who passed away when she was 28 and her husband was buried next to her many years later at 82, showing his dedication through the decades. My smile on the steps might look uncomfortable, but I’m actually smiling through tears. Today is also a year to the day that Chase asked me to marry him on the Golden Gate Bridge. The trip was meant to celebrate my birthday, which was the day before on the 27^th and while we had talked about marriage for a year, I had no idea he had gotten the ring or had gotten my parent’s blessing. After we lost him, I decided to walk across the bridge every year on this date in remembrance of him.  My mom joined me for that first time and we stopped at the place where he got down on one knee. He had looked so cute, somehow still nervous even though there was no way I’d say anything but yes. As we strolled along, I noticed mom walking with a space between us but before I could ask she said, “I got edged out! I felt a warmth on my arm and I felt this,” and she nudged me in the arm with her fingers. I laughed, saying that was rude of him, but it made me walk with a bit more confidence.

I had thought maybe it would be easier in some way once we passed the wedding day, but it’s not. I wake up every morning and wish he was there lying beside me. I look in the mirror and think “I’m supposed to be his wife.” I’m not looking for someone else, I had been in love before and I know the difference between that love and the one I share with Chase. I know that those who tell me I can find someone else are trying to help and give me hope, but it honestly makes me mad, especially when I say, “no, I’m ok, I’m content to have been loved by him and know that he is waiting for me,” yet they continue to insist, “Of course that you’re not thinking about that now, but in time you will, you’re still young.” People, don’t you get it? That man was my heart and soul, that’s not something that everyone finds, many people settle without finding what I found with Chase. I found it BECAUSE I didn’t settle. I sometimes wonder if they say that because we never got married; that if I was an actual widow, I wouldn’t have to hear that, especially even after only a couple of days.

What did I take away from my Ireland trip? The knowledge that taking a taxi in Dublin is better than driving it yourself and that B&B’s are the best way to travel because you get the most friendly and helpful hosts. But I was also reminded of the importance of a support system. Letting my family take me away during that hard week was the right way to go. It didn’t make it ok, but it did make it easier. I also became even surer that Chase might have left this earth, but he has not left my side. For as long I’m here, when I need him, he’ll be there, too. It’s not the same and I would give anything to have him back, but this how it is now, I’ll have to find some way to accept that. Tonight, as the evening draws to an end, I stand in front of a framed picture of him holding a glass of our favorite wine. I remember how this time exactly one year ago, we were lying on the grass in San Francisco, me curled into him as the sun started to set and the aquamarine stone of my new engagement ring twinkled. Then I thought about how if we had our way, he’d be home from work now and we’d be enjoying dinner while talking about my first day back to work as a new wife and toasting the anniversary of the day our dreams were coming true. Instead, I lift my glass and, through tears, recite that toast I wanted to tell him the night of our rehearsal dinner: May you never steal, lie or cheat, but if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows, and if you must lie, lie with me all the nights of my life, and if you must cheat, then please cheat death because I couldn’t live a day without you.  We didn’t get our wedding on earth, my love, but maybe we’ll have it in heaven.  'S ann leatsa a tha mo chridhe gu bràth.