The Other Side of Goodbye

It is hard, sometimes, to tell people what is going on in your life. When we lose someone we love, it becomes impossible to express ourselves in terms that would be understood because at the time of their death, our language changed, our thoughts, our lives, changed. We also know that along with the ones who are standing strong with us, there are the ones who are hoping we fail to survive, who applaud everything bad that happens to us. So when more bad happens, we tell very few people if we tell anyone at all.

Last year, when Tim had been gone 1 year and 9 months, I came to the end of trying to fight to live. I stepped to the other side of goodbye. I did not even know that was where I was at. I just woke one morning and I was done. I didn't know I was in the middle of a complete break down. My husband, daughter and doctor saw what I couldn't. Their quick action turned it all around. I call where I went a 'two week' vacation. It was there that I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression, PTSD, and suicidal idealization. At a time when nothing mattered anymore, I learned to walk again, to live again, to care again. No one else knew about this because no one came around and really, I am glad for that. When I look back and see myself, it scares me to see who that person was.

It was still a fight to want to live, but now I had the tools to help me fight for it. By December I was doing, mentally, better than I had for two years. This is when they found that my gall bladder was in big trouble and had to come out. Okay, not a big deal, no problem. It did not send me into a tail spin or make me take steps backward. But it did make me pay closer attention to my health. I knew something else was going on inside, just not what it was. The doctors found I had hypothyroidism, okay, not a big deal, it's treatable. Still, something did not feel right. By February, we found out that, yup, something was not right after all.

I had the doctor tell me over the phone. I'm glad i did. When she said, 'Barbara, you have cancer,' I stopped listening. I did not take a few steps backward, mentally, I went all the way back to the other side of goodbye. Two options, surgery or no surgery. This runs through my mind a lot. I haven't asked the doctor yet about the odds. Will I live longer without it? I've known so many who had surgery for cancer and died within months. We lost my sister-in-law to it. I am not scared, but I worry about those around me. I know it is hard on them and I cannot take away their fear. A new fight has entered my life to go along with the fight already there. How much can one person take? I'll let you know. To those who say that I deserve everything that happens to me, know this, I don't deserve it any more than you do, those who love me do not deserve what they are going through.

I am suppose to have surgery soon. They say it may take more than three hours. I sit here and wonder if I want this. You can't help but think about the 'what if's,' I think about being with my family here and seeing my son again. As much as I love him, I love my daughter and grandsons just as much. So I will take this one step at a time an try to fight hard to stay with them. All of it is almost too much to think about, too much going on in my brain. Good thing I have my family and friends to lean on, they are my heart, they are worth fighting for. 'Forever Mom'