How to Deal With Missing Someone Around the Holidays

How are the holidays supposed to be happy when you have loss someone dear to you? After the death of a loved one, special days such as anniversaries, birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and special events are difficult. The holiday season is especially difficult. You can't avoid the decorations, scent of pine, families gathering together for traditions of thanksgiving, shopping, gift giving, and celebrations.

Whether the death occurred this year, or many years ago, the holidays open the wounds of not having your loved one with you to share this time of year. You might even feel that others have forgotten about your loss because they are celebrating and have moved on with their lives. Many questions come to mind. What to do or what not to do? Celebrate or not celebrate? Decorate or not decorate? Invite family over or not invite family over? Join others at gatherings or stay alone at home?

There is no right or wrong answer to these questions because grief, as well as the grief journey, is unique to each individual. Coping with grief during the holiday can be overwhelming, so it is important to let family members and friends know what you are comfortable with.

Here are tips to help you during this time:

• Be kind, gentle, and patient with yourself.
• Don't overwhelm yourself with responsibilities. Decide what you feel will be important to do.
• It is okay to say "no" to invitations.
• Accept that the holidays will not be the same, so don't try to make things as they were. This will only lead to compounded grief and disappointment.
• Don't shy away from complete holiday traditions. Allow yourself to do what you can do. If you can't decorate the whole house, decorate a room, a corner, a shelf, etc.
• Search for ways to blend the past with the present, i.e., include some of your loved one's favorite holiday ornaments with your new ones.
• Give yourself and your family permission to enjoy the holidays and have fun. This should not be considered disrespectful to the deceased.
• Do something special for someone else. Adopt a needy family for the holidays.
• Be sure to take care of yourself. Grief can cause tremendous stress on your body. Eat well, exercise, and get rest.
• Talk with a trusted friend, spiritual leader, or a grief coach. Choose someone who will offer you hope, encouragement, and support.

A highly recommended exercise to help you during this season is journaling. This is a powerful tool for helping you express your inner thoughts and feelings as you work through the grief process. As you journal, be reminded to reflect, laugh, appreciate, forgive, embrace, and heal.

Memories of our loved ones are never forgotten. I encourage you to remember and carry the love of your loved one in your heart as you move forward and enjoy the "new" life that is waiting for you.

Dora Carpenter has worked in the death care industry for over ten years. She is a Certified Grief Coach, Certified Life Coach, and Licensed Trainer, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway®. She is author of The Holiday Grief Journal and is offering a free teleseminar on "5 Pitfalls of Holiday Grief." Register for the free teleseminar at. http://www.TheGriefToGratitudeChallenge.com.