Paths Unchosen

Nothing takes away the sadness of the heart. Not time or good intentions or kind words. The deep sorrow has become a part of everyday life. Always felt as the seconds tick by and become days, months. One learns to live with what we have been given, but it does not ease the ache of loss. The sharp edges dull as time marches on. We try to hold back the clock, feeling like we are losing yet more than we lost at that first moment. How can we lose more? Time not only dulls the edges, it takes away some memories. Memories of a voice as it says those last words, "I love you, mom." Memories of certain moments that brought them closer to you. Now, they seem so much further away even as it feels like only yesterday.

Tears always come unbidden, unexpected. I listen as a tiny voice asks me if I can bring his daddy home. If I could just get a ladder and go get him. I reply that I wish with all my heart that I could, I wish so much. He's only 4 years old but he understands. I think he understands more than I do. If only I could find a ladder tall enough. He sighs, smiles his little smile and walks away, maybe to go play with a toy, maybe to watch Sponge Bob, but I know his mind is turning it all over, finding the path that he can accept so he can move forward. So many little triggers in our paths that remind us, as if we need reminding, that the one we love so completely, is gone. A little boys large bright eyes telling you that he believes you can do anything, so why won't you bring daddy home. His expressions remind me of his daddy when he was that age and I weep inside.

Sometimes, the sadness engulfs me, holds me motionless in its soulless grip. There is no breaking the memories of that day until they have run their course. Each scene, emotion is imprinted on my mind, my soul, my heart. Anger rises up but I push it away, it is not him I am angry with, not even the God/Gods who should rule over this place. I am angry at the reason he is gone. The anger changes nothing, so I push it away. I feel the helplessness of being unable to change what is. I have to push that away too or it will overwhelm everything, make it all senseless and without meaning. If I don't hang on to meaning, all would be lost as well.

I have stopped looking for purpose, if it is there, it will come out of hiding in its own time. To chase after it just wastes energy, energy that is needed to hold on. I hold tight to those who understand me and find that, surprisingly enough, there are many. They do not know or understand my sorrow and that is okay, it is enough that they love me, that they stand beside me. I try not to imprint my anguish on them. It is hard not to do so at times, but becomes a little easier as the days pass. No one deserves to understand this pain, to walk this path, yet many of us do.

There are moments in everyday that the rawness takes over, but now it does not last, usually, all day. I stand still and wait for it to pass because I know it will. Sometimes one has to go where the tide is taking them before they can walk on the sand again. I cry as hard as I did that first moment, but not as long. Mostly it comes about the same time everyday so I accept it and try to find alone time to deal with it. Of course, a little boy can trigger it. I try not to cry in front of him, he has enough to deal with and expects me to be strong for him, so I do. I become strong for him.

In the beginning, it did not matter to me, to be strong for others. That has changed as I become more accustom to the world I now live in. I had lost compassion, will, reason. Those things I lost that day, along with Tim, have started to return. When we give of ourselves, to help those who need us, we strengthen ourselves as well. I don't know why that is but have found it to be true. It becomes like an obsession, that need to help ease others pain. Maybe because my own eases a little with theirs. We try to find whatever we can to help us through without realizing that it is there in front of us. Is that what the creator intended? That our sorrow would become the bridge, the lifeline for others? Not a role I would have chosen, nor anyone else would have either. Yet here we are.