Moving On

Every time I hear someone say, it is time to move on, I want to scream. I actually am screaming inside, they just can’t hear. I do not want to MOVE ON!!! To me moving on implies that I am leaving my daughter behind. I am moving forward to a place she has never been and never will be.

I want to stay right here in this place that she has always been. Nicole passed away on February 10 2013 without any warning. She was not sick, there was no accident, she just stopped; I stopped too. I stopped everything and did so for a very long time. I stopped working, talking, cooking, cleaning. I stopped.  I had a job, family, friends and a house that was screaming for me to do something but how could I? The grief and GUILT became so overwhelming that it took over every aspect of my life.

Why was I still here breathing and she was not!! It is time to Move On they would say, and sometimes still do. I kept thinking of something a very dear friend of mine, who lost not only one of her children but two, said to me at Nicole’s funeral. “When you find yourself in despair just get up and move. Wash a dish, water a plant, take a walk, just move.” I thought about it but it really didn’t seem important.  At the time all I wanted to do was die. I did not want to be here on this earth without her, why would I want to get up and move?

I have to admit there are still days when I feel like stopping, like not moving but I force myself to do so. There is nothing as painful as losing a child. We are here to protect our children not to bury them.  After about a year had passed my husband told me I should probably talk to someone because it was time I started to move on. As I sat there stunned by those horrible words I once again remembered my friend telling me to get up and move and why that didn’t seem to upset me as much as hearing someone tell me to MOVE ON.

I thought about the moments when I did get up and move and how it helped me. I then realized the difference between moving and moving on.   I wasn’t moving on, I wasn’t leaving her behind, I was simply moving. On the tough, dark days, and there are still many, I have to remind myself to get up and move.   

I still feel guilty.  I still wish I could go back in time and change everything about that day and keep her safe in my arms.  She is my first thought of each morning, my last thought as I fall asleep and with me all day long. I still don’t listen to music. I still haven’t moved her slippers or her purse from the spot she left them that day. I still find it very hard to talk about her.  I still cry every time I see her picture and ask why but I have learned to move without Moving ON. So when someone says to me, “It is time to move on”, I firmly say, “No thank you, I choose to just simply move.”