How to Use Anger to Heal

Darren was extremely close to his grandfather. They went fishing together, talking for hours on end about school, girls, and life.

Darren’s grandfather had a stroke. He was in the hospital for several days, but never regained consciousness. Darren hardly ever left the room, his eyes glued to his granddad’s face.

After his grandfather died, Darren withdrew. He hardly said anything for months. He was angry.

“I knew it was a problem when I kicked the dog. That woke me up,” Darren said.

Darren began calling a friend and saying, “I’m really mad right now.” They’d talk, and Darren’s anger would diffuse. “One week, I bet I called him five times a day,” he recalled.

I don’t know about you, but expressing anger was not okay in the household I grew up in. But the more we tried to stuff it, the more it would leak out passive-aggressively or explode all over the place.

Here are some things to consider about anger:

Anger is powerful. It can be scary. If not handled well, we all know how damaging it can be.

Anger is a natural part of grief. When we lose someone we love, anger is a part of the process. So it’s not about avoiding anger, but about managing it in a responsible and loving manner when it comes.  We need to find ways to let it out, quickly and well.

Anger can aid our healing and recovery. We have reason to be mad. Someone we love has been torn away from us. We’ve got new holes in our hearts. When we manage our anger well, healing and growth aren’t far behind.

How can we better manage our anger?

Write it out. Put your anger on paper, or type it into the laptop or smart phone. Vent. Be honest. Unshackle your heart. Let it rip.

Speak it. Say it out loud (be careful who’s around, of course). Scream it out when you’re alone in the car. Set up an empty chair, picture the person you need to talk to, and say what you need to say. Again, be as unrestrained as possible.

Physically express it. Beat the pillow. Go to the gym. Exercise. Smacking a punching bag was very cathartic for me. So was swimming.

Talk about it with a safe person (someone who accepts you as you are). When you share about your anger, you’ll be surprised at how normal it is (if the other person is being honest!). If you can involve another person, you’ll feel less alone.

Well-expressed anger can be a significant part of the healing process. Instead fearing it, try to see it as an opportunity to grow.