The Power of a Number

The number 18 never really carried a whole lot of significance in my life until a year and half ago. Now the number 18 has become one that I can’t get out of my head. My Mom was born on October 18^th so for the first 25 years of my life (or 20 if we’re talking years I can actually remember) the 18^th of October was the only 18^th I ever paid attention to. It was a day of celebration.  I think the fact that the number 18 started off as a good number is important to where this is going. So, for the first 25 years of my life one day out of 12 chances at it being the 18^th was a day I looked forward to because I got to spend extra time with my Mom. The other eleven 18^th’s were met with no regard for the date.

On June 18^th, 2013 the 18^th did a 180 and quickly became the worst day of the month on an every month basis. It became a number I feared. It became a number synonymous with crying, heartache, horrible memories and anxiety. It became a number that reminded me it had been 1 month, 2 months, 3 months and so on since the day I lost my Mom. The 18^th took on a power of its’ own. This was a power I felt I had zero ability to override; a force that was so strong I mentally could not overcome it.

Eventually June 18^th, 2014 came along. This was a day I’d long dreaded, for this 18^th held even more power than all of the others. The day was worse in my head than in reality. It was obviously hard but I started to realize that the 18^th wasn’t taking anything from me, I was giving it what I thought I should be giving it. I made it to June 19^th and all of the sudden I stopped counting the months. Then what happened? I got engaged and I set the date of my wedding for April 18^th and it didn’t occur to me that I’d done this until a while after I’d already put down a deposit on a venue. That’s when I knew. That’s when I knew that the 18^th did not have to be a day I feared. I’d done something that had unknowingly proven to me that all that power I’d given the 18^th I’d just taken back from it. I’d turned it in to a day that I actually looked forward to.

Now I count the months until my wedding instead of the months since I lost my Mom. The 18^th has become a day I embrace instead of fear. Eventually it will again become just another date among all of the others, with the exception of 3 months out of the year where it will still hold a great deal of significance for me, yet in very different ways. April 18^th will be a day I look forward to year after year, October 18^th will be a day met with a hint of sadness yet so many happy memories of the life my Mom had. June 18^th will always be the saddest day of the year and a date I always face with resistance.

A date itself holds zero power. We are the ones who give a certain date power and we can be the ones to take that power away as well. Living in fear of a number seems so silly yet it can be such a real problem when you’re grieving. We can take our power back.