WHEN YOU'VE LOST A SPOUSE

"I never dreamed anything could be so painful. It's like my insides are being put through a meat grinder, or like half my heart has been ripped away," Lorraine said, wringing a dishtowel as she stared into her lap.

Then, looking up into my eyes, she asked, "Where did he go? How could he leave? What am I supposed to do? How am I going to handle this? Who am I now?"

The questions go on and on.

He was your love. She was your partner. Now our hearts are broken. What are we going to do?

When we lose a spouse, it changes everything. They were woven into every nook and cranny of our lives and hearts. Nothing will be the same, nor should it be. The pain is excruciating. The fatigue is immense.

What do we do with all this? How can we navigate this in a healthy way? Is that even possible? Are we going crazy? Will we make it?

As a hospice chaplain, I've had the honor of walking with hundreds of widows and widowers through this deep valley over the past decade. Here's a video about what came out of it:

Our emotions are all over the map. They can hijack us in an instant. Anxiety, fear, confusion, sadness, anger, and depression are all part of it. The intensity of our feelings honors the one we lost.

As we grieve, we learn to handle these crazy emotions. We discover that while our feelings are real, but they aren’t necessarily reality. We're not crazy, but our situation might be.

Then there are all the relationships involved. People will make all the difference in our grief process, one way or the other. Some will be helpful, while others will not. Healthy grieving demands we spend time with those who are supportive and limit our exposure to those who aren't. Many, if not all, of our relationships will change – partially because our status changed, and also because we ourselves are changing.

And what about the future? It must be remade. Rebuilding takes time, and we learn to trust the answers we need will be there when we're ready. Until then, the best thing we can do for ourselves and those we love is to invest heavily in our own recovery and healing.

The time will come when we can lean forward. Until then, we move from wing to wing in the hospital of grief, healing as we go. Today is all we have for certain.

Let’s live it in love, honoring those we’ve lost. 

HEARTBROKEN is available through the Grief Toolbox.