PAIN UNDER THE HEART

“Gary, I’m calling about our dad, Sal. He’s not doing well. Can you talk to him?” Steve asked.

Sal lost his wife, Millie, to Alzheimer’s. They had been married 55 years. No wonder he wasn’t doing well.

“One word of warning,” Steve continued. “Dad doesn’t take well to strangers, so I don’t know how this is going to go.”

Sounds a lot like life. We never know how things are going to go.

Sal agreed to meet - on his territory. I found my way to a small, greasy spoon eatery called “Ralph’s.” Sal sat alone in a booth, nursing a cup of lukewarm coffee.

Sal talked about his life. He covered the first twenty years before the third cup. Then he got a faraway look in this eye and talked about Millie.

“I remember the first time I saw her. She was so beautiful,” he said.

Sal looked down at his lap and began to shake. Soon tears were streaming down his face. “I just can’t believe she’s gone,” he said, shaking his head.

It was several minutes before Sal looked up again. He gazed into my eyes, pursed his lips, and placed his right hand on his chest.

“I have this pain, right here, under my heart. You know what I mean?” he asked.

Pain under the heart. The pain of grief.

The Pain Danger-Zone

It can stab relentlessly. The intensity can take our breath away. It can leave us soul-sore and heartbroken. It’s dull, continuous ache can drain us.

Pain gets our attention, especially emotional agony. It can be so upsetting and uncomfortable that we’ll do almost anything to feel better. That’s the danger zone. We can end up doing and saying things we regret, or perhaps make decisions that cost us dearly. At the very time when we should be the nicest to ourselves, we end up wounding ourselves even further.

Four Things to Remember When the Pain Strikes

Here’s some key things to remember when the pain under your heart strikes:

1.       This pain is normal. 

There is no magic pill for this pain. It’s part of the grief condition. Our world has been upended. It’s uncomfortable, confusing, and frustrating. It hurts.

2.       This pain must be felt and processed.

If we try to ignore or avoid the pain, we’ll only wake up tomorrow and find it staring us in the face again. Our hearts have been punched – or perhaps shattered. Pain is a natural result. Feeling the pain, and working through it is part of healing.

3.       This pain is yours alone, but you’re not alone in it.

People say they know what you feel. They don’t. It wasn’t their loss. It was yours, and yours alone. Your relationship was one-of-a-kind and special.

In a sense, you are alone in your grief. Yet you are far from alone. Many have traveled the valley of grief, and many more are walking there now.

This road is lonely, but you were never meant to travel it alone.

4.       This pain is not forever, but will change over time.

Honestly, we never stop grieving. We learn to cope and compensate. The pain will morph over time, as you feel and process it. Your heart will heal, but it will never be the same. Years later, when your grief scars get bumped, you will still feel them. How could you not?

Now is not forever. You will heal, and grow. You will never get over the person. You’re not supposed to. But you will get through this time.

The pain is very real. Be nice to yourself. Breathe deeply. Stay connected to others. One day, one step at a time.

(Adapted from concepts in the free Good Grief Mini-Course)