Surely Someone Could Have Done Something

When loss strikes, we're stunned. We wonder about many things. Did it have to happen? Could someone have done something to prevent it?

From the Grieving Heart:

Today, I'm feeling angry. Surely someone could have done something. I mean, this didn't have to happen, did it?

I wonder. Is someone responsible somehow, someone beyond me? 

If I'm looking for who's potentially at fault, I don't have to look far. Yes, there are people I could be mad at. It would be easy to find a target for my anger. 

I could always blame you. Why did you have to be there, then? Why did you have to do the things that got you there? How dare you leave! Did you have any idea of the devastation your departure would cause?

I'm frustrated. I want to take this out on someone and something, but who and what? In the end, I circle back around to the fact that you're gone, and nothing is going to bring you back. 

I admit that the anger feels good. It feels powerful. Perhaps it causes me to feel like I'm doing something, maybe protecting you somehow. Do I want revenge? Maybe I want someone to pay.

I don't know. Maybe I don't have to know. Maybe it's enough to say, "I miss you. I'm angry that you left. I'm angry that you're not here. I'm angry you've been taken away.”

I'm angry.

We look for someone to blame 

At some point, most grieving hearts look for someone or something to blame for what happened. Powerful emotions seem easier to express if we have a clearly defined target. 

If we're looking to lay blame, finding someone to pin the loss on is easy. There are usually multiple possibilities and no shortage of candidates. Even our missing loved one could wind up on the list.

Frankly, we're good at the blame game. Over the centuries we've developed it into an art form. Of course, there are times when specific people are responsible and at fault. In any case, forgiving those we perceive to be in the wrong will be key to our grief process and recovery.

Forgiveness is not saying that it doesn't hurt or that it didn't matter. Forgiveness is saying that it did hurt, it did matter, and we refuse to let what someone else did control our minds, hearts, and decision-making. We often see forgiveness as releasing the guilty party, when instead we’re releasing ourselves from an invisible snare.

Our hearts can't afford to keep score. If we do, no one wins. We grow cold inside, and finally bitter. The internal rage shows itself over time, usually in self-destructive ways. 

In other words, we can't afford to not forgive. Our hearts, relationships, and quality of life depend on it.

Affirmation:

Blaming won't bring you back. Instead, I'll forgive. I want my heart to be set free from unforgiveness and anger.  

Adapted from the newly released Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement for Times of Loss. To watch a brief video about the book, click here.