The things I did not know......

 

There were many things I thought I knew about life, but then a car accident took Brian’s & I felt like I didn’t know anything. As years pass, there are many things I didn't know that I have learned…

I didn't know that approaching year 10 would feel like those early years in some ways and that is okay. 

I didn't know that I could live again after losing Brian, or that I would even want to.

I didn’t know my grief for Brian would be stronger than my love for the living.

 

I didn’t know a pup named Luke would come in 2017 & save my life.

I didn't know that I could cry so much.

I didn’t know that I would drink so much liquor to numb my pain.

I didn't know I find a little exercise family called Pure Barre where my mental & physical health became a priority.

 

I didn't know that I would contemplate suicide after I lost Brian & not be afraid to die.

I didn’t know that many would say “a lot of time has passed” &think “she still grieving” but for me its daily. That’s my boy!! You don't “get over” seeing your child in a coffin. 

I didn't know that I could still mother Brian by the ways I have honored his life.

I didn’t know that his friends would continue to remember him & still reach out to me just to make sure I’m okay or to send a hello my way. They truly are amazing & I adore each of them.

I didn't know that the way I thought, felt, think, feel, behaved and behave are all normal for a grieving parent.

I didn't know that me & Brian would still be a team & he still be in everything I do. Anything I could be accomplishing & there he is underneath it all. 

I didn’t know I become a writer & that my words over the years would make such an impact on the grieving community.

I didn't know that I could pour my love for Brian into others.

I didn't know that I could help so many who lost their child & that these brave women & their Angels would mean so much to me.

I didn't know that grief and joy can co-exist & that both are ok.

I didn’t know that Brian’s death would truly have me understand the meaning “life is short”

I didn’t know that at the end of our all of our lives we truly just become stories. Every time someone tells our stories we are still here, for them. Let people tell their loved ones stories. Those stories are all we have left. We can’t lose those too.

I didn’t know I could, would or want to survive this tragedy.

I am grateful for the things I did not know.

#doitforbrian