"This Hurts!" - Handling the Pain of Grief

“This hurts,” Sandy whispered, her face hidden in her hands.

Sandy had just lost her mother. She knew it was coming. She’d known for months. She was well prepared.

“I know,” I said. “I’m sorry.”

With that, she let loose and wept, clutching a dishcloth, the last thing her mother knitted before her fingers lost their coordination.

She rocked back and forth, weeping.

“It hurts!” she wailed.

I remember when my dad passed. I was in shock. Yes, I cried, but it took a while for the pain to catch up to me. When it did, I could hardly breathe.

Whatever our loss, it hurts. Someone precious has been taken away. Someone we love is gone. Things will never be the same.

That’s a key to the grief process – beginning to know and accept that life isn’t the same. How could it be? They’re no longer with us. Things are different now, and it doesn’t feel good.  It hurts. It hurts badly.

If we allow ourselves to feel the pain, it frees us to move through it. If we try to avoid it, the buried hurt festers. It will surface again, most likely in unwelcome ways that damage our health and relationships. The only way past the pain is through it.

“It hurts!”

It does. It should.

I know it doesn’t feel like it sometimes, but you can get through this in a healthy way that honors the memory of your loved one. Your task is not to move on without them, but to move on with them in a new way.

Here are some things to consider when the grief pains hit:

Take a deep breath and feel the grief. Resist stuffing it or running from it. If you need to excuse yourself and go somewhere private, do it. Take care of yourself by feeling what’s real.

Do something to honor your loved one today. Tell them you love them. Write them a letter. Set up an empty chair and talk to them. Give a gift in their memory.

Find something in the present to be thankful for. Things may be dark and heavy, but practicing thanksgiving can help bring perspective to our hearts.  

Yes, it hurts. The pain can be dull and heavy, or sharp and intense. You will make it through this. Life will be different, but it can still be good.