A Little More Time

When I was a very young teen, my mom, two brothers, two cousins and an Aunt took a trip from Colorado to California, by car, to see my grandma, mom's mom. We all know what traveling long distances with kids is like. My grandma had a hereditary lung condition, that's what my mom said. Grams lungs filled with fluid constantly, she was always on the edge of drowning.  She ate Vicks Vapro rub, yeah that is yuk but it helped keep her lungs clear of fluid. While we where there, grandma died. They rushed her to the hospital because she could not breath. The intern, instead of turning on her oxygen, turned if off. She was pronounced dead a few hours later. When my mom and Aunts returned from the hospital, my mom fell through the front door, lay on the floor and silently screamed. I saw her in total devastation that day. Not too long after that, the hospital called demanding they return immediately. The intern, feeling horrible about what happened, turned her oxygen back on as a last act of contrition. My grams started breathing again.

Grams lived for a few years after that but she was never the same again. She struggled to live every second of every day. Her eyes looked away to a distant place that none of us could see. She was a tiny woman but very strong willed. I think she only stayed because she felt my one Aunt needed her. They got their wish to have her here for a while longer, but at what cost to my grandma? I think a lot about the price paid by our loved ones as they struggle to stay here for our sake. Tim struggled for 30 years to remain on this earth. Not because he loved the world, but because he loved those in the world. Many make sacrifices we know nothing about. They do that because they love us so never think, ever, that they did not love you.

Over these many months I have read often those who wished they had one hour, one day, just a little longer with the one they lost. They feel they have so much to say, need more time, they just want to hold and hug them one last time. I cannot make that wish. I cannot because in the end, I would have to let him go again. More time would not be enough, it would never be enough. The only enough would be if I went before him and then I would have left him with what I now have. We would do anything for our loved one. We would take their pain, suffer their sorrow, die for them. Now, we have to live for them. That is the one thing we can give to those who are gone, we can live for them. You see, we have taken their pain, their sorrow. It is not their fault, it is the way of death. I would never want Tim to endure this horror that living has become. His heart, so tender, so loving had to take a lot from this world, I would not wish this on him too.

I am not saying Tim was too weak to handle this world. I am saying he cared too deeply. He could not stand to see anyone in distress. He would go out of his way to help so many even if those he reached his hand out too eventually bit him and turned away from him when he needed them the most. He was not weak for I don't believe that the weak can walk into eternity by their own choosing for we are all afraid of the unknown. There are many that this angers for their loved one had no choice. They don't understand how one can choose this while those who want to live so desperately are not given a choice. It is the same as everything we are learning about life. You would have to walk in that persons skin, have access to their souls to understand. You would have to live their life.

I cannot wish Tim back. To do so would wish for him to suffer more than he already had. If I would die for my child, why would I wish for him to live that way? We all have choices in this world, a lot of them not so good. There was a lot happening to him in those last days, too much. Things were put into play that were not by his choosing or design. I don't believe his soul is lost out there somewhere for I believe that what comes after death is what each of us think it is. If you honestly think there is nothing beyond this life then that is probably what you will get. If you believe in the bible heaven it is probably waiting for you. I think that life after death is as individual as grief. It is between you and what you believe.

To talk to Tim one more time, yeah, oh how I would want that, but then, I would have to let him go again. I could not bear to lose him twice. I know that he knows how much I love him. I know he loves me. I would rather live this pain then to have him live it. People don't talk about suicide for it is taboo. They understand it less because it is the silent shadow in the corner. Many judge those who choose to leave. I pity them for they are judging themselves as well and coming up lacking. There are many reasons, too many, behind this choice. Selfishness, cowardice, weakness are not among those reasons. Do I wish I had a little more time with Tim? Of course I do. I miss him so much that I shatter constantly. But, a little more time would not be enough.