On to the second year...

This has been one hell of a year.  I remember watching a movie called The Dollmaker when my children were little.  I remember the part when the little boy got run over by a train and the mother played by Mare Winningham, just cried and screamed her heart out. I thought man..I could never imagine that...it broke my heart as I looked at all three of my little girls and thought Oh God..what would I do if that happened to me?  How would I go on?  

Hindsight right?  July 30, 2013 I got to play the starring role in a movie gone horribly wrong. I got to feel just how the mother in that movie felt.  I got to be a member of a club no parent ever wants to join. I got to scream, beg, plead and even hate for real.  I went through all the facets of dealing with the loss of my Kryssi...full force.

One end of her life I was planning a baptism..then here I was, planning a funeral.  What parent does that right?  I remember driving one day..after visiting a friend.  The pain was so immense and I cried all the way home.  I remember looking at the side of the road thinking, "you know I can jerk this wheel of the Jeep just right and it will be all over..Kryssi and I can be together again."  I didn't.  I had too much to do..and to live for.  I think that was my lowest point in all this.

Yep..me the funny one..the upbeat-I-believe-in-magic-that-nobody-sees-but-me woman contemplated death for a split second.  I filled my days with busy stuff.  I had to keep pushing and moving forward...I had to keep going..no matter how it hurt.  I had to make sense of this..some how, some way.  I knew there was a reason God did this...but did not see it at the time, nor do I see it now to be truthful, but there is one.  I had to put the pieces of this shattered life together again..for me, for my husband, for Kryssi's sisters, my grandchildren..and just figure this out.  

Just as a blacksmith pounds and reshapes precious metals they work with to create something new, I had to pound and reshape my life to make it stronger and new.  My husband gave me strength.  He let me cry and scream when I needed it.  He held  me when it became too much...and made me laugh at just the right time.  He was my true north star, guiding me back to me.  I found out who true friends were..they were my laughter and my let's-go-do-something-before-I-break-again sisters.My two best friends, Dondi and Cristal, you also were my stars guiding me home.  You did not know it at the time..but you both were.  

I slowly emerged from this deep dark pit with a bigger heart, more profound sense of being and a deeper love for important things.. the small things that make life worth living.  I have learned to really embrace life..with all its ups and downs, tears and laughter..pain and sorrow. Through all this, I have learned the true meaning and value of life.  It is not who has the biggest bank account, biggest house, better car or job.  It's not about the one up man ship some do..it is not about false promises one gives to another..it is not about trying to drag people down.  

It is about the little things..a smile, a kind word, a flower blooming.  It is about helping your fellow man..it is about love and having a good pure heart.  It is about the dash...the point in between your birth and death.  Because when it is your time to go, when you look back at your life with God by your side, you want it to be filled with love, laughter and good works.  You want others to remember you for your heart...for your caring...and good character.  Funny, this is how my daughter, in her short 26 years of life lived.  So, in a sense, I am beginning to live as she would have, as she did.  

Any of you who knew her can attest to that.  She was good, kind, funny..a pure heart.  She had problems, yes, but she still always had time to help someone, even when she did not want to.  She did.  She did it with a laugh and a joke...I guess I am like her in a lot of ways. This is how I choose to carry her with me..until we meet again.  Do good...love with all your heart, even if it is not returned...laugh..and dance like nobody sees you..no matter how silly you might look.  If we all had this attitude, can you imagine what a better life this would be?  love Kryssi's  mom...Katie..xo