I Keep Asking the Same Questions

Loss changes things. Our worlds have been altered. Life is surreal. Our minds spin. We often end up asking the same questions - over and over. 

From the Grieving Heart:

I miss you. Badly.

I have one of your voicemails saved. I find myself listening to it over and over. I can't believe you're gone.

How did this happen? Why? Why you?

I keep asking the same questions. My mind runs around the same track, again and again. I feel like I'm going in circles.

And yet, I'm going nowhere. I'm barely moving at all. I go from thing to thing, person to person, without seeing anything. I'm a shadow, flitting in and out of what the rest of the world calls “normal life.” 

What's normal now? Nothing. Everything has changed. I don't like this world anymore because you're not in it. 

Can you hear me? Where are you?

I look around. It seems like the same world, but it's not. Far from it. 

I'm a ball of emotion. Sad. Angry. Frustrated. Confused. Sometimes it's hard to tell one emotion from another. I feel hijacked, like I've been kidnapped and taken to some alternate reality. 

Surreal. That's the word I was looking for. 

The world is weird now - surreal.

Our hearts are broken. We've taken a massive hit, and our minds are in survival mode. The unbelievable has happened. The unthinkable has taken place. No wonder we’re spinning.

Our souls grapple to understand this new reality of a world without someone we love. We will always deny what we are not prepared to accept, and we're certainly not ready to accept life without them yet. Even though they're gone, their place in our hearts remains secure. We look for them. We listen for their voice. We try to keep them close any way we can. Pictures. Videos. Texts. Voicemails. Letters. Our search is part of love in action.

Each morning we expect to wake in the same world as yesterday. After a loss, this illusion is shattered. We live in a different place now, one without our loved one. Everything seems off, strange, weird. Life is surreal.

Navigating all these emotions and changes can seem about as doable as a solo swim of the Pacific. This is no longer the same world. Not for us. We did not ask for or want this change. Loss invaded, and then grief moved in.

Yes, things are surreal. No, nothing is quite as it was. Our loved ones mattered. Their departure is shaking our universe.

Our minds will spin. Emotions will hijack us. Our hearts will ask repetitive questions. Our souls will search for answers. We are feeling our loved ones’ absence.

Affirmation:

Life is surreal. I'm trying to make sense of things. This will take time.

Adapted from the newly released book, Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement for Times of Loss.