When Our Feelers Shut Down

“I’m just here. I go through the motions. People ask me how I’m doing. I shrug my shoulders. I don’t know. You tell me. How should I be doing?” Todd asked.

Todd’s son Toby grew up wanting to be a soldier. He enlisted in the Marines right out of high school. He served three tours of duty. The trauma of battle stayed with him. After a year of trying to readjust back home, Toby took his own life. He was 29.

“How do I feel? I’m not sure I feel anything. I’m numb,” Todd said.

We can grow numb

Our hearts have been shattered. We lay in pieces, all over the floor. Like Humpty-Dumpty, we know that no one and nothing can put us back together the way we were. It’s impossible. Part of us is missing now.

We experience shock, sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, and much more. Emotions swirl around and batter us incessantly. It’s overwhelming. After a while, we can cease to feel. We grow numb.

In the medical and dental world, we’re numbed and anesthetized so we don’t feel the excruciating, perhaps unbearable pain that surgery brings. We’re protected from the full force of what’s happening at the time. And that’s a good thing.

Numbness is designed to be temporary. As time goes on, the anesthesia wears off, and we begin to feel some of the pain of the trauma that took place.

Numbness in grief is also ideally a temporary rest stop – an impermanent protective shield against the full emotional-mental-physical-spiritual force of our loss. This numbed-out place is not meant to be a new residence for us. It cannot sustain our hearts, our relationships, and our purpose in life.

But if the pain is intense enough, and if there are enough complicating factors involved (violence, family dynamics, criminal circumstances, not getting to say goodbye, etc.), our hearts can slip into semi-permanent hiding. Our internal “feelers” can shut down. Numb can become a way of life.

Numbness is common in grief, in temporary stages. This protects our hearts when we need it. We will come out of it in time.

“My heart is so bruised, sometimes I feel nothing. I miss you.”

Some possible action steps:

If you’ve been numb for a while and you sense this state is more than just temporary, please consider doing one or all of the following:

• Reach out to your medical doctor. Share with them and get their input.
• Contact a grief counselor (check local hospices, grief centers, or hospitals) or a therapist. We could all benefit from professional grief help.
• Talk to someone you trust and share your situation. Ask them to check in with you regularly (set a time period – daily, weekly, etc.). Or you can be the initiator and touch base with them.

Adapted from the bestselling USA Best Book Awards Finalist, Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child.