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It has been three years and four months since Sam left us. He left his family, his friends and all that knew of him. Everyone knew him as "Smilin' Sam." He was the most loved kid I knew and still know. 

After three years, though, I still feel alone. I feel like I did the day he passed away.

12/2/15 - 3 years, 28 days since you gained your wings.

Some days are harder that others.

Today’s been a hard day.

I can’t stop thinking about you.

And there’s so much to think about.

You altered my life in ways you’ll never know.

Holidays aren't as bright

as once they used to be...

I try to be a shining light

Just like you were to me...

These family times, without you

are always difficult to bear..

 but I see signs of you

and God seems to hear my prayer.

Without you once again,

another holiday will pass.

Thoughts on Fear of Death

[my struggle with the inevitable end]

In order to not fear death, I must believe in death.

That is, I must believe that death is all that I believe it to be. 

If I believe that our souls unite with God at death,
then death is not a thing to be feared at all. 

They ask me if I'm married and I always choose to say,

.
emotions are meant to be felt.
so why is it so hard to feel them?
why is my first reaction always: "find a way to shut them up."
even happiness is difficult for me.
I realize I'm feeling happy and *boom,* I'm doing something that will surely push that happiness away
.
who really wants to grieve?