Between Two Worlds

The one thing in life that we cannot really wrap our minds around is death. Yes, we know all things die and eventually, we will too, but in our hearts, we don't believe that. From birth, we think we are forever and in some ways we are. Forever in the minds and hearts of those who love us until they pass. Forever in whatever our beliefs may be. Yet, we cannot conceive of the death of those we love. Our minds say it will happen, our hearts deny that possibility.

Even now, after these many months, my mind accepts that Tim is gone but my heart still denies. So there are moments that the shock will hit me again. The grief will overpower and the disbelief will rule. At these times I cannot accept that we have been plunged into this nightmare and it is not going away, we are not waking up. The sorrow in my heart, never far away, becomes all consuming and I realize that I have to breath through it or die. The sad thing is, dying is not a scary option to this unending hurt. It is then that I acknowledge why Tim is gone. If I can't live with this, what horror he must have been going through.

In the loss community, I am called a newbie. It has only been eight months so the journey has only just begun. In the normal world, the world where this loss is not felt, I am long into the process and should be leaving it behind by now. Torn between two worlds. The normal world that does not know and the world of loss who know only too well. We have to live among the normal and find that we have to once again place a mask on our emotions to survive that world too. I ask myself if this is it, learning to survive not only my loss, but the normal world too. The normal world is quick to judge the bereaved so we get added hurt to the already to heavy burden.

Now we learn to lie. We paste a smile on our face. We say we are okay. We interact with the other world, the normal world even though we would rather not. We pretend, we pretend a lot. We stop trying to explain ourselves to others for we finally realize that it is a useless exercise that leaves us angry when it fails. We eventually stop talking about those we lost for we know others don't want to hear it. We don't forget them or stop crying for them but we learn to shield our feelings from others. In this way, we are more alone, more lost than we have ever been in our lives. In this way, we learn to rely only on ourselves. We are stuck between two worlds.

I have found though that I am not alone after all. When I cry out in the darkness there are those who hear me, who care. You've heard the saying 'Misery loves company?' I once thought that was a horrible saying. When I was miserable, I preferred to be alone, not make others miserable too. I think I understand that saying now. It does not mean that one wants others to be miserable, sad, hurt or lost like they are. What is wanted is others that understand these things. Yet we realize that for others to understand, they have to be traveling this road too. It is a sad state to need others to understand and wish they did not. Again we are torn between the need and the wish for we would not wish this on anyone but we need to connect with those that are like us.

Some of us will rise up from the ashes of our lives with the determination to help others, grief the invisible cloak worn on our shoulders. Some of us will barricade ourselves away from it all locked forever in our deepest sorrow and some will straddle both worlds, constantly torn. The paths will be hard and rocky whichever way we go. I do not know where I am going. I do not know which direction is the right direction or if there is even a right direction. Sometimes, I do not care. I do not know how many times I will pick myself up when I have fallen. Falling is the easy part, desire to continue is not. I have to learn to put my fears aside. I have to learn who I am and what I want. I have to learn to stop allowing emotions to have constant rule. So many unknowns in an alien world that was once home.