A Birthday Present To and From Heaven
A birth-date is a reminder to celebrate the life as well as to update the life" Amit Kalantri
Your Deceased Child's Birthday
Normally bereaved parents face a similar quandary after the death of their child.
~ What do I do on their birthday?
~ Do I celebrate my child's birthday after their death?
~ What do other people do to remember their child?
~ Will I look crazy if I do celebrate their birthday?
~ Is it appropriate to celebrate my deceased child's birthday?
~ Do I include family, friends or others in my celebration of my deceased child?
While everyone will determine what is best for them individually, several thoughts come to mind....
My Deceased Child's Birthdays
My choice to celebrate Zac’s birthday has been a real progression of changes with my grief journey as I believe it might be likewise for other bereaved parents. Like many parents in early grief,
~ The first birthday I was too deep into grief to think about anything besides the pain and I could scarcely tell his birthday from any other painful day.
~ The second birthday I used anger to cover the pain of missing him and my inability to spend his birthday with him.
~ Year by year my behaviors changed with my progression through grief. As the view of my grief changed to facing Zac’s death from my perspective (the missing of him) to his perspective, (he has only left his physical life and now lives his true essence of spirit) the pain of acknowledging each subsequent birthday was progressively lessened.
Over the years, his birthday took on a different meaning due to ongoing multiple steps of acceptance. That acceptance took different forms as years passed but the results were so worth it. Acceptance gradually became gratitude.
~ Currently, I want to celebrate not just my child Zac’s birthday but the spirit Zac's existence now.
But even though I know Zac will not age and my memories of him only reached age 21, I now celebrate the life he shared with us and what he was to us during that time. We celebrate what he was to us, the memories he left for us and we appreciate that we did have him for the 21 years.
Zac's Birthday Gift To You
Now, the other day, while thinking about how we might celebrate his birthday today, he calmly said:
"Give them my gift."
Because I knew exactly what he meant, that is what I am doing for his birthday today...
On July 31, 2001 Zac expressed a list of guidelines that I have come to know as "The Heart of Zac's Messages"I have occasionally handed this out to workshop attendees but have never printed this in a post or newsletter.
So, here is Zac's birthday present to all of you ...
The Heart of Zac’s Message
The following is an excerpt from a conversation with Zac that occurred on July 31, 2001. He stated that I needed to share this message with other bereaved parents. Therefore, the following is his list of guidelines he expressed that I have come to know as "The Heart of Zac's Messages." His concluding comment was, “You can quote me!”
· Anybody and everybody can communicate with their loved ones. They have to open themselves up to communicate and to listen.
· Anyone can have this communication and have an easier path of grieving if they listen to their loved ones because they are right there trying to help them.
· The signs are there.
· They have to watch for them.
· They have to watch for what is important to them. (The moving cow might not be important to anybody else as it was a joke between Mom and me!)
· They have to watch for their own signs, their own communication.
· There is no certain time for communication. Remember, there is no time here.
· They have to aware and watch.
· Trust what you sense.
· There are no coincidences. If you just “feel like they are there,” that is what is! Trust it.
· In addition, trust your animal’s (pet’s) perceptions.
· We are with you.
· You just have to be aware!”
Thank you Zac and Happy Birthday Kid!
I encourage you to celebrate your child in any way your heart chooses to do so, with others or privately, as long as it is not harmful to you or others.
If you have questions or ideas about how you have celebrated your child's birthday, please feel free to share.... Gratefully, Chris
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