Broken Bridges-Mending Hearts

Grief does not take a holiday to allow you time to breath. It does not wait for you to wake in the mornings or watch a calendar for a certain amount of time to lapse so it can go to the next person. It does not ask permission to take up residence in your heart for the rest of your life. Grief strips you down past the bare bones of who you thought you were. It changes you so drastically that you don't recognize the face in the mirror. It follows no set rules, accepts no demands and wears a new face whenever it wants. Grief becomes you.

Most of us know that no two people grieve the same. There are so many different emotions connected to this sorrow that you may have similar emotions while having completely different ones at the same time. We expect the death of an elderly person and eventually the pain of loss may dull to that of sadness for some. For others it may stay a painful cut in their hearts. Expecting death does not mean you are ready for it. You think you are but the reality is so very different. You will never experience anything as devastating as death. The loss of a young adult, a teen, a baby carries even more hurt. They have so much living to do that you mourn that loss too. You torture yourself with thoughts of what might have been.

In the beginning, we can hardly hold our heads up, bowed as a sunflower in the morning sun. We do not mean to but if there are others around us, we come to depend on them to take care of everyday life. We liberality do not have the energy or the want to cope with the mundane. It is not selfishness or wanting attention. It is not self-pity or wallowing in our grief. Eventually though, and really very early on, most everybody leaves. You are left adrift, without a captain to steer you through the breaking waves. You are forced to stand up, to paddle the boat you now call home. It is painful and during this process, many abandon your boat. This is not their grief, to them they have more important business, their own lives. They are right. They do. Some will stay and hold you as the waves wash over the bow, but not many. Few can handle watching what you are going through. Fewer will understand it.

Many months may pass or very few when you first start hearing the mutterings of discontent. Now, not only are you in the deepest hurt of your life, but you are also in the center of another storm, a different storm. There are accusations leveled against you that leave you bewildered, more hurt and your heart is not mending. Sadly, these accusations will usually come from a family member or what you thought was a close friend. Sometimes, more than one. Bridges are being broken, some never to be repaired. With this added stress, your grief becomes bigger, your spirit tainted. Healing, or what little there is, comes to a stand-still. It is hard to heal even a little when family and friends become divided.

It is important that you know, it is not your fault. It is not the fault of your lost loved one. Sometimes, there is something so broken in others that death will bring it to the surface. I do not know why they blame the bereaved or the one who has passed for the direction their lives now take. I am not even sure they know why. But bridges will burn, words will be said that cannot be unsaid. There is not much we can do to put out the fire when someone is determine to light that match. No matter how hard we try, they will find fault with everything we do. We find that their problem is petty and wonder how they can be so non-compassionate. We try not to see it that way but the direction our lives have taken has changed us beyond the squabbles of others.

It is sad but true that a time will come when we will have to walk away. Those who have never walked this path will become scandalized at that. More family and friends will become divided as they argue over what a horrible person you are for the decisions they left you no choice but to make. They have not walked in your shoes. They do not know your heart. They don't realize that even as you are walking away, you still love them, they won't listen. You need to become selfish with yourself without guilt. If you want to mend even a little, you have to take your heart away from those that would keep you broken. Yes, it is painful, but not the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. You have already done that, you have buried a loved one.