The Child that is left to grieve

This,too has become an all consuming task. When our son Keith left us Feb. 26,2006 ,we couldn't get past ourselves. Mindful that we also had a 17 year old daughter to take care of ,we awoke every morning....for HER. Replacing feelings with monetary things,we taught her all the wrong lessons about healing and moving forward. "We'll just make her happy ,as happy as we can and maybe this will all go away " i think must have been our mind set as we had no clear mind set. Down the road,you begin to see material objects give you fleeting moments of happiness and terrible lessons on how to be a grownup. I don't want to hear my daughter is unhappy or sad. I have to fix that. I can't fix everything and it is when i realize this and began to seek help for myself and have very good,thoughtful discussions with my very wise child, I see my guilt is for naught. She knows her parents are helpless. We all wished for more time with Keith. We won't get that. 

We can't go back and change what happened and I can't go back and have conversations and listen better NOW at THAT time than I did. What I CAN do is learn from my earlier mistakes and realize my daughter has already given me the gift I was looking for. The gift of understanding and patience that I can't seem to give myself, I somehow taught to her. When I don't think I am listening to her or paying her enough attention,she has heard me all too well. This beautiful girl I am blessed to still have with me gives me hope and with her,we can talk and laugh about her brother and our "before life" and it isn't always sad. 

I miss the days when my children would knock to each other on their bedroom walls at night but I am so thankful I have those memories. I am more saddened that my daughter will never be an Aunt or see her idolized Big Brother again. Our loss is devastating. But,when I look at it thru my daughter's eyes......i simply cannot take it. 

It has been 8 years now and my daughter is 25. Healthy,beautiful and full of life. I look at her and I think "what ARE you thinking?" There are only so many things we can help them with. Grief and loss of a sibling is an isolated road. I wish she didn't have to travel there. She knows,wherever she is,I am and wherever I am....she can come.....