End of Innocence

This year has brought and end to innocence. I spent my life thinking that if I treated others good, they would do the same. Sure, there were drawbacks on that. You just can't please everyone. It did not stop me from trying. If my personal thoughts of someone was less than good, I pretty much kept those thoughts to myself. I did not like hurting anyone's feelings, even if they were shit-heads. Tim's death has changed all of that. When their masks fell off, my innocence was lost. My view of those I thought I knew changed also. You don't forget the ones who, though they did not know your pain, gave you love, understanding and compassion. Yet at the same time, you will remember more, those who did not care. You will not think of them unless something brings them to mind, but when it does, your first thoughts will go to how they treated you.

Bad things will stick harder to you than the good. Why that is, I do not know. After tragedy, we become more sensitive to the evils of others. We have lost our trust in the world around us and when someone behaves badly, that trust is not only lost, it is gone maybe for ever. We are already so low in our own self esteem, who we thought we were. When someone adds to that misery by their own thoughtlessness, we find we have no desire to be near or talk to that person again. Why should we when we fear they will stick their foot in their mouth again? We do not need nor expect the added pain they gift to us. To add insult to injury, we are then blamed for any 'hurt feelings' we caused in our effort to defend ourselves. We should not have been defending ourselves in the first place. Is it any wonder that we find walking away the best alternative? This is how friendships, marriages and families are broken up, sometimes to never be repaired.

No one knows what goes on when we are alone. They have no idea and frankly, most of them, if they even give it a thought, are happy not to know. It is easier to judge someone without knowledge then to take the time to honestly understand the many stages and years of deep sorrow we will travel though. As each one judges us they drive the sorrow deeper into our already shattered hearts. We withdraw further from them to protect ourselves. Could we get further in healing if others took the time to care? I think so. But I don't believe that will happen. Mostly, it is those who have been where we are that step up. Not to say that there are not some, bless their souls, who haven't walked this path that don't reach for their compassion. There are. I have met them. So it is not that it can't be done.

Many who have not been were we are view us as strange, never the same again, different, not who we use to be, yet they don't stop and ask themselves why, they just blame us for it. Like we had any control over what happened and the changes it brought. We are shocked too at the changes, but we have to learn to live with them and adapt them into our new lives. Then will be the ones who get it and accept the new you as readily as they did the old one. In the end, those are the ones we hold on too. Not because we need their attention, but because we need their silent understanding.

The hard thing for us is that we don't understand them. We don't understand how someone can say or do something to us at a time when we are already destroyed. The simple answer is that they moved on quickly and can't understand why we haven't. They decide we are hiding behind our sorrow, maybe for attention, or some other devious reason. Of course, they are wrong, but they don't see that. A deeper reason may be that they had nothing to move on from. Sad, but true. They were not taught the resources on reaching out to those in need. They can pretend the emotions for a little while but cannot sustain them.

My loss of world innocence came early on. It made me sad. I see everything through different eyes and react different then I once did. I still have compassion and still try to treat others as I would want them to treat me, but .... if someone is cruel, I will distance myself from them. I have no time nor tolerance for the cruelty of others. Everyday is a struggle to just want to live without the added heartache of shallow people. It is hard enough to face a new day. It is hard enough to face it without the ones you love and loved you. Each moment of my life is a stolen moment.  I feel sorry for myself daily for what is lost. Maybe I always will. I also look at those who love me and say 'how blessed am I?' Each one who stands beside me makes me see the beauty of the world again. Gives me a reason to go on. When the darkness descends, I repeat each thing that gives me reason until the darkness passes. The innocence is gone, we live in a different world then others, but we are no less beautiful.