I know everyone does not grieve the same of course, but the minute Keith's death happened I had a neighbor tell me "don't ever let yourself get to that dark place you can't get out of" For some reason,that stayed with me and I was so taken with those words and the horror of my loss,that I ran for 7 years ,keeping myself so very busy that if I let myself actually process the real thought that Keith was gone ,I may go insane.
The head knew he was gone,the heart could not take it. Oh, i have done all the right things...I have tried groups,I've gone to counselors..but I couldn't let myself stop and think. Exhaustion and anger have allowed the house of cards to crumble. When I realized this and took control of myself ( and I should say too late,but I won't) I found,thankfully, a great therapist ,explained my situation and we started from the very beginning and I am working thru Keith's problems and passing,letting myself feel the pain not race thru it.
This is not an easy process and as I sit in groups and watch my fellow bereaved parents , I am always struck, paralyzed..."I can't believe we are all sitting here" As I listen to us talk I feel as if I am above my body looking down at this group of strangers, friends for all the wrong reasons. Yet, here we all are. And, we have become friends.
I am thankful there is a place I can go,besides a therapists office,where there are people who understand and accept me and welcome me,and us...... I wish things could be different for all of us,but in the end we play the hand we are dealt.I am doing all I can to understand and move forward with my memories intact.
Best to all,
Lisa