Lessons

Whoa what an emotional week I have had.  Wednesday was the first day of school for my kids and what SHOULD have been Skylar's first day of her Senior year....ahhh the year she'd been dreaming of for so long.  I have been waking Sky up and sending her off to start a new school year since she started Pre-School at age 3 ...... there are NOT even words to express how low and sad I felt on Wednesday .... I had to sit in her room for a few moments alone and just let the tears fall and the pain absorb me. I'll never get used to this thing called death and I will certainly never get used to not having my first-born child by my side....I'm utterly and completely exhausted from fighting to just keep my head above water. God grant me peace.

I've been thinking a lot over the last several weeks of things that I have learned, been reminded of or even challenged with as a result of a tragedy of this magnitude and one that has played out in front of the world to see ... literally living in a fish bowl for the past 10 + months.

Here are my thoughts: (in no particular order; just shooting from the hip)

1. EVERYONE has an opinion

2. Most do NOT know how to keep that opinion to themselves

3. Many are suddenly experts on parenting, driving, forensics, police work etc

4. Many think this could never happen to them

5. Not everyone has your best interest at heart

6. Many people love a good tragedy (aka misery loves company)

7. Everyone wants to be your "friend" -- (it's the cool thing ya know)

8. You find out who your "REAL" friends are  - fairly quickly

9. Many people talk TOO much

10. Way too many people believe everything they see and hear -- including what's in the media (HUGE mistake people....if you are over the age of 16, shame on YOU if you believe everything you hear and read, SHAME ON YOU!)

11. There are people who like to see others fail and/or hurt (sad but true)

12. Many people don't really care that you're hurting and living the WORST pain imaginable ...they will STILL knock you down and fail to treat you with TLC (cruel world indeed)

13. People can be very dumb

14. NO words will take this away or make me feel any better - NONE

15. Telling a grieving mother that "it will all work out, it was God's will, you'll be ok... or anything of the like is just plain dumb

16. MOST of the time I just need a listening ear, a hug, an I love you or to hear Skylar's name spoken... I'm not seeking your advice, unless I ask for it.

17. Everyone else gets to move on in life... I do NOT... not ever

18. I will ALWAYS be a grieving mother.. this will always hurt..I will always be incomplete on this earth

19. I am often difficult, moody, sensitive and afraid .... this tragedy has left me this way. Sad reality

20. I get mad at God, and that's ok.

21. People are VERY judgemental ...what a sad, sad way to be

22. People can be very cruel

23. People are selfish

24. My kids are hurting more than most realize

25. Skylar was loved by SO MANY

26. Skylar touched the hearts and lives of people who I never dreamed of

27. I have a solid group of friends and family that would conquer the world for me

28. God has a plan (ugh I HATE that term, but I know it is true)

29. God comforts me when I want to give up

30. Skylar speaks to me and hugs me at the perfect times

31. Be kind to everyone for each of us is fighting some sort of battle

32. Death does not escape any of us ....live with purpose

33. No matter how much you pray for your children or try to protect them... accidents happen and so does life

34. Don't ask a grieving mother if she is "okay"

35. There is no handbook or road map on grieving the loss of a child

36. PTSD is a REAL thing

38. NO ONE (except God) will understand my exact pain ... I have to get used to that

39. I can take as long as I need to grieve, be angry, question etc

40. I will never have the answers on this earth as to WHY this happened

41. There are NO guarantees in life...spend your time on this earth wisely and with people who matter

43. God never promised us easy or fair on this earth

44. Everyone needs someone they can depend on and lean on

45. I believe in the power of prayer

46. I will NEVER  stop talking about or reminiscing about Skylar (or Soph & Jules)

47. Everyone deserves forgiveness ... in due time ....

48. It's ok to feel misunderstood

49. The peaks and valleys are unpredictable

50. Losing a child is worse than I ever even imagined it to be... and I already imagined it as hell on earth

51. Having your child's death as national news is NOT easy

52. I will spend the rest of my days making sure these girls are never forgotten

53. Fear is real

54. I no longer fear death

55. I have become good at pretending/acting

56. I hope and pray my story and journey helps others

57. I am humbled by the amount of support we have all been shown

58. There are still good-hearted people in this world

59. I will always keep the faith

60. Faith, Hope and Love is the only way to survive this world

I love you more sweet angels....... XOXO

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

 Originally Posted to my blog Augst 23, 2013  www.iloveumore.com