Living for Our Children After They Are Gone

As mother’s we live for our children and we do everything for them and sometimes that even means doing to much they never learn to do for themselves. I have been guilty at times of doing too much and forgetting one basic important principle in life and that is to allow my children to make mistakes so that they can learn, grow and be able to care for themselves. I believe my daughter is the wonderful women she is today because I allowed her to go off to college and gain independence. I believe my youngest is perfectly capable of doing so much for himself because I sat back after I taught him and allowed him to do things for himself when needed. However, what can we do for the child that is gone? The child we were teaching, loving and caring for and now they are no longer here? The first Christmas without my son I was buying huge candy canes, lights and ornaments in a store to decorate his gravesite when suddenly I felt dizzy and out of breath. I believe I was having a full blown anxiety attack because I realized at that moment I can’t buy my son anything anymore. I can’t shop for him or cleanup for him or hug him, take him to school or watch him play ball anymore. I realized that all I had left was shopping for gravesite décor for the rest of my life and the over whelming thought and feelings brought me to my knees.

On my knees I prayed right then that God show me a purposed and show me some way to live with only his memory and use me to help others for him. God uses us and reveals to us in his perfect timing not ours. Everyone knows that no one grieves in the same way or at the same pace after the loss of your child. The steps of grief are like hurdles on a track so no matter where you are in your grief journey, always remember someone out there knows exactly how you feel, has made it through every hurdle and can help you. Living for our child after they die takes strength and perseverance. Depending on how your child passed you may choose to lobby for better laws, join a committee or research program, raise funds to find a cure, start your own group or chapter in the cause you feel strong about in your child’s name, start an awareness website or create a scholarship so that another teenager may have an educational gift in their memory as we did for my son. Whatever you decide to do, know that it will be with hard work but also may help you through your pain and struggles of living without them.

I believe in order to be a good advocate or voice for your child you must recognize your stage of grief and your specific feelings and acknowledge your pain is normal. Pay attention to your daily thoughts and accept both the positive and the negative. You must believe in your strength and know you have a new normal life that you have to live. Participate in whatever exercise or activity that brings you peace if at all possible, get moving and get going. Your child can live on in memory and spirit through you with whatever you decide to do. Your child would not want you depressed and in tears every day. If you have other children then you’re obligated to be a mother to them. I had a girlfriend tell me onetime in my deepest darkest hour that my other children deserved the same wonderful caring mother as my son had. That really struck a chord in me and although my grief journey and struggles and will be until the day I die, I know my son is proud of me and I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to live without his approval over my life.

I wake up every day asking God for strength and allow me to touch someone in need. If you reach out and bless another, your heart will begin to heal and you will be able to look at your child’s picture on day and know you have made them so very proud.