The Spirit of Birthday Year Two
When a change comes into your world full of shock, devastation and of great pain shattering all you are, all you have, all your dreams it’s as though you wait for your eyes to open to see that it just was really a dream. Two years ago this was my nightmare that to my surprise was no dream, I can’t explain enough how shattered your whole life comes to many little pieces laying around all over you as you look to those little pieces to see in each of them a future of what was supposed to of been. You look to each piece as your tears never seem to find the way to stop from hitting rock bottom to where you soon you feel you are. When I say two years it seems it is long yet in me and my heart it feels like as though just yesterday and the sting of the realisation of what was never ever leaves me, especially on days that are of special significance to the greatest of love lost. As those days approach there is no way of knowing just exactly how it will approach you to be and feel, there is no amount of preparation to make sure the impact won’t be as hard as it was last year, it is never of the same. This today I know because it is definitely not how I thought I’d be, but also know that to understand it is ok to miss, to cry, to take time in silence, to just take in the day fully to be gentle to you and all the love around you.
Today my husband passed he would be sixty-four, to know to honor his life and fill my heart of our greatest of memories is what should be but at the same time I know the tears will fall and the pain will sting for just a little while throughout this day. It is better to your soul you walk through whatever the day brings to you to ignore and act as though nothing is there, to walk through is to honor your love for the other, to walk through is going through the hard work of grief that your life will forever feel. In it lays your little pieces of strength, knowledge, love, things of lessons that are new, things to be of great significance to you and your heart and the life you are building to a new now. To forever deny your grief is to forever deny your life of growth, to signs, to blessings, to see what it is you’ve done to come so far from the day you felt there was no possible way to ever be where you are now. Honoring my husband’s love I smile in the so many of special blessings, love, joy and wondrous of things he’s brought to my life now.The weather is gloomy and rainy here today but his love in me is all the sunshine I need, even the weather tells me a story of how the wondrous of love and life was taken away here on earth that it is crying for lives of so many that lost a man that was of the greatest unconditional love to so many people who still remain standing without that person in the flesh. Today is a reminder that I reflect on all that I was and that I’ve become because of my husband passed. Our daughter the most is always a remembrance of that great love that will always be in us around us and watching every step we make, all of her is a vision of her dad and our huge love never to be cut from us all. That line of love will always remain. To bare a smile today is the most challenging of things to do but remembering our moments and love of the strongest brings me that smile I feel is so far away, the love around me I want to push away goes nowhere because that love is true love that never abandons you through every day of your life, the ones that stuck by you that truly touched your heart on any days, good, bad, it is just there to be the push you need to keep walking through it all
You as a person have not changed, the future that you planned on has an to know that it is not a new future you ever wanted or still may not want it is still yours to own, an giving up is not the option. I know in my heart I was stuck in the moving forward part but know now what a miracle of so many blessings that I have made the baby steps through it all, to pick out the beauty no matter how hard it was to see. You see we don’t ever lose grief or get rid of it we learn to put it in a special place to live with it and understand our hearts recognise that and accept but accept to know the pain never stands with you for long it is the love of those we lost that stands with us to touch our hearts to see the beauty of what is. I am strong, I am walking through grief, I am meaningful to this world, I am making a difference to the lessons learned, I am strong enough, I am worth it, I am still full of the love of the unconditional that never leaves, I am God’s love, I am prayer, I AM worthy, I am moving into light, I am and can move forward to make all in my heart become my reality, I am a reason here in this world full of purpose. Say all of that you feel of I AM’S so the universe will hear you and send each I AM back to you and your life. I am going to be the person my loved one passed knew I could be.
It frustrates me to see that many believe their life has ended, that they can’t go on because it is not true, far from the truth and something each and every one of our loved ones passed would not want you to be, feel nor do. That no matter how long it takes it is in you to build to a new, to accept the change and find happiness in you, that the blessings of that love and beauty are all around you to give the most powerful of strength to take you to places you thought you would never go. In all of me I see so many, too many of people talk of it’s over, I’m staying stuck in time because the life I wanted is no longer, that life may be no longer but your life is here an because you are here you are here for a very important meaning, those you have lost that make you feel because it is not of the future you vision does not mean that it is still not something you can’t have, in each new you walk through the love of their soul walks along side of you directing you to all of where you need to go. Giving up? If you feel this way you truly are giving up on that unconditional love you carry and your life was blessed to you with.
Yes I’ve been in those darkest of moments, I’ve felt all was over, yet I also found the way to rise above that through our love and the grace of God to know to give up on you is to give up on a life needed in this world, that you are of worthy to be the person you felt you wanted to be even when your loved one passed was here on earth, that to be not seen only means now you feel them and know through them where ever they may be is the force in all we take steps to achieve that where they are now they will never leave you astray, behind or forgotten, they watch over you, they give signs, if anyone in this world it is there guidance that is a force to never be reckoned with on the path they see you building to. This is not any hooky poky talk; this actually has been lived and seen and still happening. When your loved ones passed leave they are not gone their gift now lays in a piece of you, to find the way to keep their purpose along with yours combined moving forward and using it to build life in a higher, bigger way than before. Honor them and honor their gift to this world.
So many of significance of beautiful blessings have moved into my life while the breaks of pain happened little by little that I see my silver linings in each and every break of pain, those silver linings are for you to see and know in your heart are there for a reason, that one after another is all belief your heart needs to see to understand they are with you for a reason. I’m not writing this blog to make people feel as though it is easy because it is the farthest away from ever being easy, that these things just fall in your lap, but all of it is there for you to grab on to and strongly take steps each day to become whatever it is your heart is speaking to you to do and be. All I know that through the toughest of pain and brokenness of my life I’ve found the wings that once were broken have just to my own sight seemed to be of broken each time I looked back with sad eyes full of tears, but in the breaks in pain one time you will look back to see nothing was ever broken it was in a stand still waiting for you to see that it was not broken just standing still in your tears and pain.
Who do you think hears and knows of your pain backed by the loved one passed? A force to touch your heart alongside the love you lost, who is it you think is backing that unconditional love you lost? That knows it was because of him you were touched by that special love? God, he was the one that sent that person you lost in your life for reasons you start to see so clearly, feelings you feel so strongly, that you know it is of never no coincidence things align in your life are not just of coincidence, but aligned by the power of God backed with the love of your life. Every night I pray, I pray to God, I pray to my husband passed, things prayed for may not be in the way you see should be but happen in a way even bigger than what you have prayed deep within your heart and soul. If you are consumed in stand still motion you will never ever see the little too biggest of achievements you made in your grief. Like last year as I walked through a crowd of people looking around to see everything decorated of Christmas to feel in my heart this year my heart was full of excitement, my whole being smiled in knowing this year I was embracing Christmas and all of what the meaning was. I will never forget that day instead of feeling the loss I felt the joy of Christmas spirit that would have never been if my attitude was in standing still motion of darkness and pain.
It’s not in the biggest of things your heart celebrates it’s in the smallest of things that brings in the biggest of things your heart rejoices and lets all of you know just how far you have come and the beautiful person you are becoming on your own two feet, that you chose to break that standing still motion to be more than you ever thought you could be by the silver linings you grab each and every time you smile, your heart smiles, your soul shines. Nope not going to tell a story of how easy it is, because grieving is far from that but once you take that first step you leave the prisoner of grief in the past, that you fight so much through it the strength in you tells stories to your heart that not anything you feel to be is ever hard for you to become. That thing that you seemed to be so hard automatically becomes the easiest and that to every grieving soul is a gift to honor that love that you lost. If not for grieving those silver linings that surrounded you invisible every day would have never been seen. My husband passed leaving this world shattered me, and some days still does yet as I stand back up I know around me there will forever be blessings of his love, blessings of God to know in it I got back up with that love that it is there if you let it in.
Today Jean-Guy is sixty-four, as soon as I awoke I knew that it would not be an easy day, yet also knew that no matter what day it be his love be strong around me to lift me through the toughest of times an wipe my tears that fell from my cheeks in knowing our love never ever left, that in that love dreams have been built, that to see me hurt only would mean that our love was pain, that our love was love that pain had nothing to do with the glorious of life we had together so why let the pain ruin that glorious of life to remember the feeling it gave to me in that time to feel all of it now, tears are ok to let out but to not let those tears consume you is the challenge you will always face. So like each year I fell down but not too long after I found my ways to get back up, I kind of like the falling down because in it as you rise you bring with you more and more of strength in you that you never had before, the more things you realise as you fall down you gather as you stand. Strongly look in your heart while down to see the thing that brings you that sorrow is once was the one thing that brought the happiest to your life, remembering that will always remind you that darkness has no room in that love that you shared to stand up and go play in that’s loves brightness. Face each fear that comes your way because in it is your light, your growth and a present to you wrapped in fear that belongs to you and who you are becoming.
Remembering our first date I remember it was a beautiful warm day and at a coffee shop we first started our connection was where I waited for him with other regulars sitting around me that I knew. It was three hours later of the time he was supposed to be there, most would of got up and walked away but I sat knowing in my heart there was not anything to of kept him from being there when he should of, that in my heart I knew he was a part of my life not knowing how great of significance he would be but knowing something in him reached out to my heart letting me know he was meant to be in my life, to leave would never ever been known.
As I seen a car turn into the coffee shop I smiled in knowing it was him and just knew deep down there was not anything that would have not made him show up. As he walked in to look at me he smiled as he always did making my inside explode so full of butterflies and the feeling of great excitement, the kind of excitement you feel when you miss someone so much that has been gone for a long time an you see after all the time in between. He walked to me baring the look of feeling sorry and being afraid both at the same time in disbelief that there I was still sitting after all this time and could not believe I did not leave after all that time. He explained to me after work he laid down fell asleep but when he woke he hurried to just by chance to see if I was there, he did not just let it go he actually came to see by a big chance if I would still be there. I smiled and told him that “it didn’t matter that it is all worth it now”.
Everyone around us smiled in as if they felt what it was that we both were feeling sitting and smiling at one another being so full of joy that here we both sat, that time didn’t ruin my thought’s that my heart told me to not leave and know it would be. We left to go for a ride, it didn’t matter that it was too late to do anything all that mattered is we were together and our first date was on the horizon to a lifetime of many first dates, this was the beginning of a life that held a future so bright and full of the wondrous of love that not anything could take that away from us, even here after your gone nothing has taken our memories of the greatest life we had or the unconditional love that filled that life, it still all lays in me, around me and all places I go.
Our first date I knew what my heart felt, and that was the day I once laughed at the saying “love at first sight” but got a strong teaching that it was just not no saying that it was life, that it was possible to be. Our first date may have not been that dream I vision it be but the life that grew after was more than the dream I ever had vision. From that day forward I remember how every day that went by I felt that exact same feeling on our first date as I seen you pull in our drive way for the first time seeing you for the first time of the day every day. I don’t put him on a pedestal, I just know that even in bad times our love carried us through the hard work to keep us going, to keep that feeling there and smile in knowing every good and bad was worth it and worth more to me than anything in this entire world. I’d change nothing if I could back even though I know what I know now. Your love, your life, your lessons, your building me to grow to who I needed to be, all of you is what was meant to be in the life that crossed paths with mine intertwined to make the beautifulness of a life that what was that what still is. That’s where we truly have to understand to love is to also bare the pain of loss, that not anything is ever our own to keep, that sometimes just sometimes life bares pain in the strongest of love because all of us are not here forever and never get guarantees but to accept that love is what is supposed to be, that to live without love is to never live at all.
Happy Birthday Jean-Guy I know you feel the love of our unconditional love where ever you are and to so many of things that have happened in my life I do know it is of you and the getting back up that keeps me stepping forward in the direction of life that is meant for me to be. I know you touch our daughter’s heart in her times of missing you because through those moments her smile always makes it back to her beautiful little face, that through me you work your love, I’m proud to be the one to represent you and our love each and every time it is called upon. You are my fairy-tale, no matter not seen it still is, sometimes just sometimes fairy-tales don’t seem to have a good ending but in this one it may not be seen but always felt. You were my miracle, my magic, your love graced my heart to open all of me to the wholeness I needed to get to and to be.
NOTE TO ALL: On special of days it is up to us all to take that day with full force, to walk through and be of remembrance, smiles of memories, to honor who it was they meant to us and who they were when they were here. To realise because of them we had love, we realised love of the greatest ever in this world can be, that their love never leaves us, that in the unseen it is still around, it is in us, and everyone that knew of the person we lost. To take the time we need through the day to find that feeling they brought to our world, our smile, our love of the strongest, and the memories that carry with us that carry them with us through all we go through. That standing still in time not wanting to feel that day is to be a prisoner of the love that filled your world that still fills your world. To understand the tears that fill our eyes will always fall in a perfect heart of an invisible heart, that those tears won’t fall forever it is just your heart telling you it misses that love the same way you do.
To go on not walking through grief is denial to you, growth to you, growth to your soul, growth to the brightest of life that is to be. Look up to smile in knowing you are backed with the wondrous of what was and what is still UNCONDITIONA LOVE. They know what you are going through, they feel what you feel, they know where your wildest dreams lay and will forever keep directing you to those dreams if you allow your all to open truly to see it all. Jean-Guy I do know the path is long but you are close to me making sure if I turn the wrong way you so gently guide me back to the way I am supposed to go. Pray, pray to God he gives you strength, pray to God you find your way, because praying is powerful to you, to standing in the love of God rather than against because all of who you want to be in life first starts there guided by the love you lost.
I am Proud still to this day to be Tonya Ouimet, and still with his last name because forever and always I will forever be his wife no matter if he is not here, because in my heart he is there. Ouimet girls he would always tell my daughter and me “we’re some tough cookies”, and he sure seen through we to know of what he spoke of.
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