Thoughts Of Loss-We Are Now Both Only Half Here-And So Are One Again

Ste

As I left work today my mind played a cruel trick on me-I thought I saw you walking towards me -like when you used to meet me -you would bounce towards me baseball cap on head with a grin from ear to ear. My heart leapt and filled with joy and my voice cried out silently Ste- but then -the realisation it was a stranger blasted my mind like I'd been water-boarded and my heart fell and felt like I had left it on the pavement behind me as the truth of your death hit me again like I'd been punched in the very centre of my core.

Ste how can you be dead when I feel so connected to you still-your body may have be laid to rest but your spirit has been released and stays by my side.

Since you have gone I have the same life as you as I feel I am only half here-my body is here but my spirit has left my body and wants to be with you and where you are.

As soon as I leave work I want to ring you like I used to but I can't so I go to your grave as part of the school run to talk to you. As I enter the cemetery I see lots of white butterflies and think- are you one of them -do you feel or see my presence-I feel sad that I am visiting you there as I want to see you at our home.

I stare at the newly thrown soil I stand by your side- the side i used to sleep on and talk -sometimes I play your favourite tunes. I look for feathers or any signs you might have left for me as an acknowledgement that you know how much I miss you.

I sometimes feel sorry for myself and cry as I think why have I got to go to your grave to see you-I know you are at peace and I am being selfish-i try to be strong but sometimes i just need a sign from you that your spirit is still with me and watching over me.

So Ste the love that connected us means we are the same- our bodies are on earth but our spirits have joined - you are half here and so am I. Our spirits joining together mean we are one again this connection can never be broken.

I will continue my half life in your memory and I will try to make you proud by helping others with their grief by letting them know that they are not alone.

This half life is heartbreaking but has to be endured until we are reunited as spirits.

I will always love you Ste -let your spirit be my guide -help me to be strong and to help others to be strong and endure their grief <3 x